Joke of the day

Post by **george** » Fri Aug 02, 2013 2:59 pm

Mud Dog wrote: Lucky it was just a tree and not a female dog .... was half expecting him to chase after the ball.

His lucky it was a projector

Post by **Mud Dog** » Fri Aug 02, 2013 6:52 pm

Could have been a shocking experience otherwise!

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Fri Aug 02, 2013 9:02 pm

Post by **Haboob** » Sat Aug 03, 2013 3:39 pm

After drinking, men talk unnecessarily, become emotional, drive badly, stop thinking and fight for nothing.

Hats off to women, women can do all these without drinking!!!

You don't have a scred hair on your head...Is that why you wear the hat...

Donkey · Post by **Donkey** » Sat Aug 03, 2013 4:02 pm

Please forward me your CV, oom

, have a friend who owns a circus - they are looking for new clowns

Ma1000@vodamail.co.za

, will wait.

Post by **Mud Dog** » Mon Aug 05, 2013 6:33 am

Monday morning smilers

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Cleaner · Post by **Cleaner** » Mon Aug 05, 2013 11:05 am

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "oh my word, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

KOBUSL · Post by **KOBUSL** » Mon Aug 05, 2013 12:45 pm

Ed Zachary !!

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Mon Aug 05, 2013 10:05 pm

Thunder02 · Post by **Thunder02** » Tue Aug 06, 2013 7:06 am

Hey my chair spins aswell

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Tue Aug 06, 2013 8:12 am

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks..
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
Big tlts who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me hunting, fishing and drinking.. This
Doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shlt.

d4dfanwp · Post by **d4dfanwp** » Tue Aug 06, 2013 1:40 pm

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD

Post by **Family_Dog** » Tue Aug 06, 2013 4:52 pm

That is so sweet... 'sniff... brings a tear to me eyes.

-F_D

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Tue Aug 06, 2013 9:34 pm

ChrisF · Post by **ChrisF** » Wed Aug 07, 2013 6:32 am

hehehehe ....

Post by **Mud Dog** » Wed Aug 07, 2013 7:00 am

Not my viewpoint, but while we're being chauvinistic ......

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

:shifty:

ChrisF · Post by **ChrisF** » Wed Aug 07, 2013 7:46 am

Mud Dog wrote:

Not my viewpoint, but while we're being chauvinistic ......

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

:shifty:

ou vriend waarheen moet ons die kaartjies en biltong stuur ? .... maar dan nou weer, jy gaan tog nie biltong kan eet met n gebreekte kakebeen nie ...

AM Racing · Post by **AM Racing** » Wed Aug 07, 2013 7:49 am

Good to see your sensitive side Hoppy.....

Gunta · Post by **Gunta** » Wed Aug 07, 2013 8:03 am

Pote · Post by **Pote** » Wed Aug 07, 2013 11:05 am

Mud Dog wrote:

Not my viewpoint, but while we're being chauvinistic ......

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

:shifty:

My wife did not see me for a week after our last fight...

By the second week she could start seeing out of her left eye..

Post by **CasKru** » Wed Aug 07, 2013 11:12 am

Mud Dog wrote:

Not my viewpoint, but while we're being chauvinistic ......

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

:shifty:

Andy... you forgot one...
Q: Hoekom dra vrouens grimering en parfuum?

A: Want hulle is lelik en hulle stink
Click here to show the answer!

Post by **Mud Dog** » Wed Aug 07, 2013 1:04 pm

:shifty:

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Wed Aug 07, 2013 2:12 pm

Oupa Stig · Post by **Oupa Stig** » Wed Aug 07, 2013 2:35 pm

Q: hoekom het Cassie 'n blou oog?
A: see link above....

GI Jane · Post by **GI Jane** » Wed Aug 07, 2013 3:49 pm

CasKru wrote:
Mud Dog wrote:

Not my viewpoint, but while we're being chauvinistic ......

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

:shifty:
Ummmm..... think I need to spend a bit more time on the forum you guys are getting up to all sorts of nonsense..

Andy... you forgot one...
Q: Hoekom dra vrouens grimering en parfuum?
A: Want hulle is lelik en hulle stink
Click here to show the answer!

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Wed Aug 07, 2013 6:27 pm

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Post by **Mud Dog** » Wed Aug 07, 2013 6:57 pm

See how quickly Allan is gat-kruiping after Val makes an appearance.

BTW Val, we totally agree .... you should spend more time here again!

gotalovethebush · Post by **gotalovethebush** » Wed Aug 07, 2013 8:05 pm

Tuff beasts hey....

Warrior · Post by **Warrior** » Wed Aug 07, 2013 8:13 pm

Hi Val , glad to see you are here !!!!

Lekker man Lekker

GI Jane · Post by **GI Jane** » Wed Aug 07, 2013 8:30 pm

Thanks Eben...

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Post by **Mud Dog** » Thu Aug 08, 2013 1:21 am

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Thu Aug 08, 2013 8:03 am

Bet they were maried

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Thu Aug 08, 2013 3:15 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Fri Aug 09, 2013 8:27 am

Why school is important .....

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Froll · Post by **Froll** » Fri Aug 09, 2013 5:08 pm

GI Jane · Post by **GI Jane** » Fri Aug 09, 2013 11:57 pm

Mud Dog wrote:Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

Post by **Mud Dog** » Sat Aug 10, 2013 3:23 pm

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked.

"Incredible!"

Being a 'Kind Hearted Scotsman', he thought,

"What the heck . . . , I'll treat her!"

So, they walked past it again . . .

Post by **Mud Dog** » Sat Aug 10, 2013 5:59 pm

SuperGranny ....

phpBB [video]

View Original

Post by **Mud Dog** » Sun Aug 11, 2013 2:09 pm

A mother is teaching her 9 yr old son how to play chess. While busy with explanations she says "You see, the Lady can move about any way she wants to".

Son replies, "I see, and I notice that the game board even looks like a kitchen floor"!

Post by **Mud Dog** » Sun Aug 11, 2013 2:31 pm

Something to try when being addressed by a total stranger .... Put on a shocked expression and ask, "You can actually see me?"

........ and when the stranger replies affirmatively, if you want to carry it further, "Strange! That's never happened before and I've been coming to this accident site every year at this time and date for the past 13 years".

Post by **Mud Dog** » Sun Aug 11, 2013 3:00 pm

A boy complained about his brother, "Dad, Thomas threw his stool at me today!".

"Well son, why didn't you throw it back?"

"Couldn't ...... it was too soft!"

Donkey · Post by **Donkey** » Sun Aug 11, 2013 4:40 pm

Hoppy wrote:MARRIAGE/MARIJUANA

For those who haven't heard, Washington State just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

Sounds like the two Rastafarians who went to the bank to open a joint account.

KOBUSL · Post by **KOBUSL** » Sun Aug 11, 2013 5:44 pm

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Donkey · Post by **Donkey** » Sun Aug 11, 2013 6:16 pm

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Sun Aug 11, 2013 6:19 pm

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Sun Aug 11, 2013 6:27 pm

Thunder02 · Post by **Thunder02** » Sun Aug 11, 2013 8:07 pm

TOYODA · Post by **TOYODA** » Sun Aug 11, 2013 9:27 pm

This is Snake Racing African style...

Post by **Mud Dog** » Sun Aug 11, 2013 10:34 pm

The colour is the same so just don't get the two confused.

b4runner · Post by **b4runner** » Sun Aug 11, 2013 11:42 pm

Not sure if South Africa has heard much of the US insurance company Geico's Gecko, this is a good play on one of their commercials

GI Jane · Post by **GI Jane** » Mon Aug 12, 2013 6:33 pm

loved the supergranny...

JEEPIE · Post by **JEEPIE** » Wed Aug 14, 2013 9:49 am

BEST AUSSIE PICK UP LINE EVER:
A Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

Thunder02 · Post by **Thunder02** » Wed Aug 14, 2013 9:59 am

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Wed Aug 14, 2013 10:36 am

He's probably going to tie her to a pole next to his favorite sheep

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Wed Aug 14, 2013 6:06 pm

'N PA LOOP VERBY SY SEUN SE KAMER EN TOT SY STOMME VERBASING SIEN HY DIE BED IS NETJIES OPGEMAAK.

TOE SIEN HY 'N KOEVERT OP DIE KUSSING.

DIS GERIG AAN "PA".

MET BEKLEMMING OM SY HART TEL HY DIT OP, SKEUR DIT OOP EN LEES DIE BRIEFIE :

"LIEWE PA, DIS MET GROOT SPYT EN VERDRIET DAT EK VIR JOU SKRYF.

EK MOES WEGLOOP SAAM MET MY NUWE MEISIE OMDAT EK NIE MET JOU EN MA WOU RUSIE MAAK NIE.

EK EN LISA HET WARE PASSIE ONTDEK. SY IS SO OULIK.
EK WEET JULLE KEUR HAAR NIE GOED NIE, OMDAT DAAR SO BAIE RINGE DEUR HAAR LIPPE, NEUS EN BAIE ANDER PLEKKE IS,

EN SY IS 'N VOLLE VYF JAAR OUER AS EK.

MAAR IS NIE NET VERLIEFGEIT NIE , PA SY IS SWANGER.

ONS WIL SOMMER NOG BAIE KINDERS HÊ.

LISA SÊ ONS SAL BAIE GELUKKIG WEES.
SY HET 'N WOONWA WAT IEWERS IN 'N BOS STAAN EN DAAR IS 'N HELE HOOP VUURMAAKHOUT VIR DIE WINTER.

LISA HET MY OOK GELEER DAT DAGGA NIE NET SLEG IS NIE.

ONS GAAN SOMMER SELF 'N BIETJIE DAARVAN IN DIE BOS KWEEK EN DIT AAN DIE ANDER MENSE IN DIE KOMMUNE VERKOOP.

DAN KAN ONS MET DAARDIE GELD ANDER, DUURDER DRUGS SOOS COKE OF TIK KOOP.

INTUSSEN HOOP EN BID ONS DAT DIE WETENSKAP 'N KUUR VIR VIGS VIND SODAT LISA GESOND RAAK. SY VERDIEN DIT!!!

MOENIE BEKOMMERD WEES NIE , PA.

EK IS DAREM AL VYFTIEN EN KAN NA MYSELF KYK.

ONTSPAN, EN GENIET DIE KLEINKINDERS WAT NOG KOM.

MET LIEFDE,

JOU SEUN, PIETER"

NS:
PA, NIKS HIERVAN IS WAAR NIE!!!! EK IS BY JANNIE.

EK WOU PA MAAR NET DAARAAN HERINNER DAAR IS BAIE ERGER DINGE IN DIE LEWE AS 'N SWAK RAPPORT (DIS ONDER DIE KUSSING)."

BEL MAAR WANNEER DIT VEILIG IS OM HUIS TOE TE KOM !!!!!"

Post by **Haboob** » Wed Aug 14, 2013 7:00 pm

Kom maar huis toe Jannie

Oupa Stig · Post by **Oupa Stig** » Wed Aug 14, 2013 8:05 pm

Gatiep en Meraai, hulle staan da oppie kaai, kyk virrie see, en die walvisse wat so vroetel da innie water.
"jinne, Gatieppie, ma dis 'n merske groot vis daai"
"Dit ka djy wee sê, Meraai"
Hul staan so bietjie meer.
"Ma nou Gatieppie, wat eet so grote vis?"
"Sa-dientjies, Meraai"
"Sa-dientjies???"
"Sa-dientjies."
"Nei, Gatieppie, dit kannie weessie"
"Of course kan dit wees, Meraai. Ek is educated met standerd 3 en alles! Ek wiet die goette!"
"Nei, ek sê nogstieds dit kannie weessie!"
"Ma nou hoe dan nou soe, Meraai?"
"Djy sê daai merske vis eet sa-dientjies, ma sê dan vi my, slimkop, hoe kry hy die sa-dientjies uittie blikkies?"

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Wed Aug 14, 2013 9:25 pm

KOBUSL · Post by **KOBUSL** » Thu Aug 15, 2013 11:05 am

Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.. Everything on your face stays its original color.. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

GI Jane · Post by **GI Jane** » Thu Aug 15, 2013 1:45 pm

Yip.... good to see a man that is satisfied and grateful for his lot in life.....