Joke of the day

Mossienel · Post by **Mossienel** » Mon Dec 29, 2014 7:02 am

Got this from Swambo.

KOBUSL · Post by **KOBUSL** » Tue Dec 30, 2014 8:57 pm

This is how I landed in hospital.............

: SHOPPING CART14.jpg (36.89 KiB) Viewed 9469 times

Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Wed Jan 07, 2015 1:06 pm

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place', and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?' 'Well' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting
to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same
string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we could save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands,
shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Wed Jan 07, 2015 7:06 pm

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Wed Jan 07, 2015 7:54 pm

Warrior · Post by **Warrior** » Wed Jan 07, 2015 9:37 pm

Hunter26 · Post by **Hunter26** » Fri Jan 09, 2015 7:41 pm

This chick looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said " Is that Corona or Bud" ?

I said " There's a tap underneath ; taste it and find out "

Craig

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Fri Jan 09, 2015 7:47 pm

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Fri Jan 09, 2015 8:12 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Fri Jan 09, 2015 9:03 pm

Study the picture first and then read the story.

: French cops.jpg (23.77 KiB) Viewed 9275 times

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.

A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking.

With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed.

He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with a bit of humor,
"No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving . . . . . on the other side?"

Post by **Baasvark** » Fri Jan 09, 2015 9:05 pm

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Fri Jan 09, 2015 9:15 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Fri Jan 09, 2015 10:10 pm

One for the "Oldies". I think this may have been posted before, but I've forgotten and probably so have you!

Young people have theirs, now Seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD � At the doctor's

* BFF � Best friends funeral

* BTW � Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT � Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM- Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC � See You at the Senior's Centre

* DWI - Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL - Living on Lipitor

* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

* TOT - Texting on Toilet

* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

Hope these help.

* GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Sat Jan 10, 2015 8:20 pm

Obelix and Dogmatix · Post by **Obelix and Dogmatix** » Mon Jan 12, 2015 1:03 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Mon Jan 12, 2015 2:10 pm

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Post by **CasKru** » Mon Jan 12, 2015 3:39 pm

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Fri Jan 16, 2015 9:23 pm

Klein haaitjie vra sy pa,

"Hoekom swem ons eers rondom die surfers
met ons rugvin bo die water voor ons hulle eet?"

Die pa antwoord: "Hulle smaak beter as die dikderm mooi leeg is"

Oupa Stig · Post by **Oupa Stig** » Fri Jan 16, 2015 9:32 pm

Whahaha!

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Sat Jan 17, 2015 7:20 pm

grobbepj · Post by **grobbepj** » Sun Jan 18, 2015 5:45 pm

Is it only in our household??

: ImageUploadedByTapatalk1421595935.634445.jpg (33 KiB) Viewed 9057 times

ChrisF · Post by **ChrisF** » Sun Jan 18, 2015 6:05 pm

grobbepj wrote:Is it only in our household??
ImageUploadedByTapatalk1421595935.634445.jpg

moenie worry nie, mens raak gewoond aan jammer sê ... al weet mens nie eens waarvoor nie ....

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Sun Jan 18, 2015 6:29 pm

Saw this number plate while in George.

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Sun Jan 18, 2015 11:52 pm

grobbepj · Post by **grobbepj** » Wed Jan 21, 2015 6:04 am

ImageUploadedByTapatalk1421813091.757000.jpg: (212.11 KiB) Downloaded 231 times

Toppie4x4 · Post by **Toppie4x4** » Wed Jan 21, 2015 7:07 am

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Wed Jan 21, 2015 9:16 am

Post by **Mud Dog** » Wed Jan 21, 2015 9:42 am

A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in South Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.

Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!' She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said,

'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Are you a patient of Dr Bumbutu's?'

Yes I am. How did you know?'

He winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickory dock'.

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Wed Jan 21, 2015 9:45 am

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Wed Jan 21, 2015 8:46 pm

Pote · Post by **Pote** » Thu Jan 22, 2015 11:38 am

Taking your Hilux for a walk....

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=91 ... =2&theater" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Post by **Mud Dog** » Thu Jan 22, 2015 1:21 pm

Japanese Sex Argument

A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:

Husband: "Sukitaki. mojitaka!"

Wife replies: "Kowanini! mowi janakpa!"

Husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"

Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"

Husband replies angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!"

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

I can't believe you guys just sat and tried to read this -- as if you understand Japanese!!!

You'll read anything as long as it is about sex!!

You need serious help!!! Sometimes I worry about you guys!!

tuff tralies · Post by **tuff tralies** » Thu Jan 22, 2015 2:28 pm

Hahahahahaha

tuff tralies · Post by **tuff tralies** » Thu Jan 22, 2015 2:42 pm

'N man en sy vrou sit en eet in 'n restaurant toe 'n beeldskone jong girl na hulle tafel toe loop en die man 'n oopmond soen gee en vir hom sê " ek sien jou later "." Wie de F*k is dit " gil sy vrou op hom. " Dis my skelmpie " sê haar man. Sy vrou vererg haar vieslik en sê " Dis die laaste strooi !!! Ek gaan jou dagvaar vir 'n egskeiding !!! ". " Ek verstaan my bok " sê haar man, " maar onthou net. Dit sal beteken geen duur klere meer nie, geen vakansies in Europa nie , geen duur juwele nie en geen nuwe Mercedes elke jaar vir jou verjaardag nie ". Op daardie oomblik loop een van haar man se pelle in met 'n mooi jong girl aan sy arm. " Wie de hel is daai meisie saam met Gert ? " vra sy vrou. " O dis Gert se skelmpie " sê hy. Sy vrou kyk na haar en weer na haar man en sê " Ons s'n is mooier " =)) X_X.

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Thu Jan 22, 2015 3:26 pm

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Thu Jan 22, 2015 8:45 pm

Hunter26 · Post by **Hunter26** » Fri Jan 23, 2015 12:31 am

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'oh my word! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

. . .

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

Hunter26 · Post by **Hunter26** » Fri Jan 23, 2015 12:33 am

Tax Man
-------------------------

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:
"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

Hunter26 · Post by **Hunter26** » Fri Jan 23, 2015 12:41 am

An old favourite:

nterpreting Art

At the National Art Gallery in Cardiff ,a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy.

The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, a Welshman approached the couple and said, Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?', asked the couple.

'Because I'm the bloke who painted the picture,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.

They're just three Welsh coal miners and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

Post by **Family_Dog** » Fri Jan 23, 2015 6:51 am

Having trouble sleeping, Craig?

-F_D

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Fri Jan 23, 2015 7:34 am

Obelix and Dogmatix · Post by **Obelix and Dogmatix** » Fri Jan 23, 2015 2:09 pm

MOUSE BALLS... Mouse balls and the mouse ball inspector.
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness.
It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor!
Especially note the last couple of sentences.

"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."

Post by **Mud Dog** » Fri Jan 23, 2015 3:02 pm

Cleverly thought out, but definitely not innocently done.

Hunter26 · Post by **Hunter26** » Fri Jan 23, 2015 6:04 pm

Hahaha! Brilliant

Craig

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Fri Jan 23, 2015 6:59 pm

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Fri Jan 23, 2015 7:00 pm

ChrisF · Post by **ChrisF** » Sat Jan 24, 2015 7:31 am

Obelix and Dogmatix wrote:MOUSE BALLS... Mouse balls and the mouse ball inspector.
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness.
It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor!
Especially note the last couple of sentences.

"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."

think about it for a second .....

you get memo's, and then you get memo's nobody forgets !! Clearly this author knows how to grab his audience by the ....

Post by **Mud Dog** » Mon Jan 26, 2015 2:26 pm

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Froll · Post by **Froll** » Mon Jan 26, 2015 8:19 pm

Very nice.

Post by **Mud Dog** » Tue Jan 27, 2015 8:31 pm

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Post by **Mud Dog** » Tue Jan 27, 2015 8:44 pm

The 10 cent Bar

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar -- ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so the men order a Martini each.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced Martinis -- shaken, not stirred -- and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That'll be 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.

They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired plumber from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer -- it's all the same."

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired folk from Scotland, and they're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price!"

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Tue Jan 27, 2015 8:56 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Tue Jan 27, 2015 10:05 pm

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Hunter26 · Post by **Hunter26** » Wed Jan 28, 2015 12:02 pm

LMAO,absolute brilliant

Craig

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Wed Jan 28, 2015 2:38 pm

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Wed Jan 28, 2015 6:56 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Fri Jan 30, 2015 11:04 am

One night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive
flames. The alarm went out to all fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant.They must be saved. I'll give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could save the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Chasidic Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Jewish, ultra-orthodox men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little broken-down fire engine roared right past all the sleek newer engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Chasidic old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.

It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Chasidic old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to thank each of the brave fire fighters personally. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Moishe Goldberg, the 70-year-old Fire Chief, "Da foist ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat f------g truck!"

Post by **Mud Dog** » Fri Jan 30, 2015 11:13 am

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?' ! She asked.

'Hunting Flies' He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?' !

He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Fri Jan 30, 2015 7:08 pm