Joke of the day

[Klong se Pa]

En redelik af-en-toe het 'n man se agterent sommer lekker gebrand ook. Goeie ou tye, toe kinners nog kinners was!

[MOFASA]

I remember those lessons all to well.....

I do how ever remember 1 thing my Mom said to me more than those....

It was during a heated conversations we used to have when I was younger and alot more stubborn.... Yes I was a very naughty child.... But i got put in my place plenty of times....

She said to me..... "One day when i'm no longer around, You will regret not having me around!!"

Well I thought, Yea like that will ever happen, me regret it...... NO WAYS!!

Now some of you know My mom passed away 17 June last year....
Dam do I regret not having her around.......

Strange how RIGHT she was........

[Rafs]

This might have been posted before, but some of the newbies might enjoy this

They say 90% of all Land Rovers manufactured are still on the road. The other 10% have reached their destination.

All Land Rovers are like women - They moan on long journey's, embarrass you in front of friends and you spend more money than you ever expected once you've committed yourself to one.

Police officers shake your hand when they issue you a speeding ticket

Why do most Defenders have jerry cans and gas bottles fitted?
So that the driver can make coffee while waiting for road assistance

Landy's have the best fuel consumption of all 4x4's.
That's because they are always being towed by something else.

Why do LR's always drive in convoy?
They are playing 'Who's the weakest Link'

I always wondered why they called their models, a Series 90, Defender 110 etc. But this weekend I found out, those numbers in the model name are the top speeds.

When you drive on a toll road, you get these yellow emergency phones next to the road. Stop and look closer. On the phones there are emergency numbers l: police, ambulance, doctor and Landrover Service .

Q: What do you find on pages 4 and 5 of the Landy's user's manual?
A: The train & bus schedule.

Q: What is the sport-version of a Landy?
A: When the driver wears Nike shoes.

Q: What do you call a Landy with brakes?
A: Customized.

Q: What do you have to do if your Landy gets in the way of a swarm of killer bees?
A: Stop pushing and take refuge inside the car.

Q. Why do the latest models have rear window demisters.
A. To keep the hands warm when pushing.

Landrover has got a special this month!!
If you buy one, you get a dog for free!! Then you do not have to walk home alone.

[4 runner oldie]

My mum ,
was a gentle soul . Never swore cursed etc . Did tell me too go throw bricks at myself once . Guess her way of politeness .

[MOFASA]

THEY found a use for a LR..........

[MOFASA]

Lying in the hospital bed, a dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak. The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed, leaned quietly over and asked, "Do you have something you would like to say?"

The man nodded to the affirmative, and the priest handed him a pad and pen.

"I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside."

Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest's hands.

Then, moments later, the man died.

After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest handed her the note.

"Here were his last words. Just before passing on, he wrote this message to you."

The wife tearfully opened the note which read: "GET OFF MY OXYGEN HOSE!!"

:wth:

[MOFASA]

Two men are waiting at the gates of heaven and strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man, "how does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly but found her alone watching television. I ran around the house looking for her lover but could find no one. As I ran up the stairs to the attic, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive." :wth:

[Froll]

[Froll]

[MOFASA]

A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"

[Froll]

Jip moms were the best.

[Froll]

[Pora]

O those are so true!

Sent from my washing machine using the fridge

hahahaha thats a good one

[MOFASA]

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............

[Donkey]

[Taljaag]

Ja ne.

[Donkey]

Sadly, this is a true story.

[MOFASA]

Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and *splat!*... he flattened the cat.

Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants.

When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon me madame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you.

I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off...."

"Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat?
Could you describe him? What does he look like?"

The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said...
"He looks like this"as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

"Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied.
"I meant, what did he look like *before* you hit him?"

The man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed "Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!"

[MOFASA]

A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder, orders a drink and sits down. The monkey springs off his shoulder runs down the bar to the olive bowl, swallows one whole, then springs to the pool table and swallows the cue ball whole.

The bartender cries out to the man, " Oh My Word, did you see what your monkey just did?"

"What, What?" says the man.

The bartender says, " Your monkey just swallowed the cue ball whole"

"Well, I'm not suprised, he eats everything in sight... I'll pay for it and we'll leave"

Two week later the man and his monkey return, the man orders his drink and the monkey jumps off, runs to the cherry bowl, grabs one shoves it up his butt then pulls it out and swallows it whole.

Once again the bartender cries out, "Oh my Word, Did you see what your monkey just did?"

\"What, What did he do this time?"

The bartender replies, "He just shoved a cherry up his butt, then swallowed it whole... that was disgusting!!"

"Well", replied the man, "I'm not suprised, he still eats everything in sight, but every since that cue ball he checks everything first"

[MOFASA]

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top
this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb,
call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!" "But I'm scared!"
she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon,
it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.
It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink.

And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily
movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to
suppress their hysterical laughter...and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, there colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?" If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

[MOFASA]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the
window on theplane when another man sat down in the aisle seat
and put his blackLabrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the
man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and
asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he is a DEA
agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name
is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get
airborne, when I puthim to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out,

the agent says:

"Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search".

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and
finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds.

Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's
arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man
and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm
making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the
aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few
seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so
again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little
while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior
and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like
that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!" :wth:

[MOFASA]

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof so he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks. "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat." "When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

[MOFASA]

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows, just as
if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice
kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left
hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its
mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse
to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso
over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's
mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in -- quickly. Since
your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're
doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here, anyway? Retrieve cat
and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here,
anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and ... Ooooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing
claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on
floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to
flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man -- or
woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth
at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

[MOFASA]

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the
zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in
front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on
the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding
his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady
in the sheer dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the
poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and
flirt w/the ape.

She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that
would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her
straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he's just about
to tear the bars down.

The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the
thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
door to the cage, slings her in w/the gorilla and says, "Now, tell him
you have a headache."

[Donkey]

[Donkey]

Experience, ouch.

[Klong se Pa]

[Mud Dog]

[Klong se Pa]

Well, I nearly wet myself laughing!

[Mud Dog]

[Mud Dog]

[jacques kotze]

[jacques kotze]

[jacques kotze]

[jacques kotze]

[jacques kotze]

[jacques kotze]

[Mud Dog]

Where are you digging up all these 'oldies', Johno?

[Mud Dog]

[Mud Dog]

[Mud Dog]

.... if the gorilla knocks ne off the roof .....

That would be a bit of a "balls-up"!

[Froll]

[Froll]

[Froll]

[Froll]

[Froll]

[Froll]

[Froll]

[Froll]

[Froll]

[werewolf]

A convict breaks into a house, and ties up the husband and his wife. He jumps on the wife, kisses her ear, then runs to the bathroom.
The husband whispers to his wife "Satisfy him, or he'll kill us. I saw the way he kissed you, just be STRONG, I love you!"

The wife replies "He didn't kiss me, he whispered in my ear he's GAY, HORNY and looking for the vaseline. I told him it's in the bathroom.
Lets see who's STRONG NOW!"

[werewolf]

Man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money. when he got the money, he turned to a customer and asked,
"Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man: "Yes sir, I did"
The robber killed him. He turned to a coloured couple next to him and ask the man,
"Did you see me rob this bank?"
Gatiep: "Nay mnr ek hettie, ma my vrou het"

[Adventures4Christ]

'n Ma van 'n twee ling seuns is raad op, as daar enige iets by die skool, kerk of enige plek in die dorp vout is, kan jy verseker weet die 2 het iets daarmee te doen.
Sy besluit toe om die ds. te raad pleeg.
Sonder huiwer se hy dis geen probleem hy sal so bietjie met hulle deel en werk, maar een op 'n slag!
Eerste boetie gaan sit op die stoel in oom ds. se kantoor, beweeg nie 'n spier nie.
Saggies vra die oom: "Seun weet jy waar God is?" Daar is geen beweging of geluid uit die seun se mond nie.
Weer, vra die oom, maar bietjie harder en meer verm: "Boet, weet jy waar God is?"
Nou begin die laaitjie bietjie ongemaklik rond skuif en jy kan sien daai brein werk oortyd.
'n Derde keer vra die oom, en nog harder en vermer: "Seuna, weet jy waar God is!?"
Soos 'n weerlig straal spring die knaap uit sy stoel en sny 'n lyn reguit huis toe, tot by sy boetie....
"Boet, hier is groot vout, God is weg en hulle dink ons het iets daarmeer te doen!!!!"

[ROOFER]

[Mud Dog]

Reminds me of the joke about the hubby that comes to bed after having a bath to find the wife already fast asleep in bed, mouth open and snoring softly. He goes back into the bathroom and returns with a couple of aspirins and pops them into her mouth. She wakes up choking and swallows the pills.

"What the hell was that", she demands.
"Two aspirins", he replies truthfully.
"But I don't have a headache!" she retorts.
"Well that's great honey because I'm in the mood!"

[Mud Dog]

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[Zandyl]

Thabo Mbeki, Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 15 minutes. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes a cheque.

Obama calls the US and talks for an hour. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is 4 million dollars, so he writes a cheque.

Finally Mbeki gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is 20 cents. Mbeki just smiles.

Obama and Putin go ballistic, and ask the Devil why Mbeki got to call South Africa for only 20 cents??

The devil smiles and replies:

"Since Jacob Zuma took over, the whole country has gone to hell. It's a local call."

[MOFASA]

Where are you digging up all these 'oldies', Johno?

Came accross this site and spent some time on it in total hysterics.....

http://www.joketin.com/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Well worth the time spent there

[MOFASA]

Where are you digging up all these 'oldies', Johno?

Came accross this site....
http://www.joketin.com/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Spent a few hours there in total hysterics..... well worth the time spent...

[Ali3n]