Joke of the day

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Sat Sep 06, 2014 9:45 am

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Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Sat Sep 06, 2014 9:46 am

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Post by **Mud Dog** » Sat Sep 06, 2014 10:22 am

Thanks for posting a pic of the woodworker at the top of the page, Allan .... That should get Quentin all worked up again!

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Sat Sep 06, 2014 10:57 am

That was before he was shaved, but the attitude stuck.

Obelix and Dogmatix · Sat Sep 06, 2014 11:25 am

Mud Dog wrote: Thanks for posting a pic of the woodworker at the top of the page, Allan .... That should get Quentin all worked up again!

phew at least he is in disguise this time

ChrisF · Post by **ChrisF** » Sat Sep 06, 2014 12:38 pm

Obelix and Dogmatix wrote:
Mud Dog wrote: Thanks for posting a pic of the woodworker at the top of the page, Allan .... That should get Quentin all worked up again!
phew at least he is in disguise this time

okay so now we are half way UP the evolutionary ladder ....

can only get better from here ...

grobbepj · Post by **grobbepj** » Sat Sep 06, 2014 4:55 pm

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ChrisF · Post by **ChrisF** » Sat Sep 06, 2014 6:23 pm

grobbepj wrote:
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nope ....

takes ONE second to click "I agree" ,,,,,,, NO way mommy will let you off THAT easy .....

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Sat Sep 06, 2014 9:34 pm

Donkey · Post by **Donkey** » Sun Sep 07, 2014 7:57 am

Skroppie wrote:My dog's secret...

My dog sleeps 20 hrs a day. He gets food daily, He eats whenever he wants.
His meals are at no cost to him.

He goes for check up once a year. He lives in a nice neighbourhood, His house is larger than he needs, and does no upkeep.

Does no contribution to the running or maintenance of the house. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He lives like a King. At no expense whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out, work hard, and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head...

1.JPG
I think my dog is an ANC member.

Only thing setting your dog apart from the anc bunch is, at least he's adorable and you love him

Post by **Mud Dog** » Mon Sep 08, 2014 10:18 am

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Cleaner · Post by **Cleaner** » Mon Sep 08, 2014 11:45 am

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Obelix and Dogmatix · Post by **Obelix and Dogmatix** » Mon Sep 08, 2014 4:49 pm

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Mon Sep 08, 2014 9:29 pm

Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Tue Sep 09, 2014 7:16 am

An elderly couple, had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

Thunder02 · Post by **Thunder02** » Tue Sep 09, 2014 3:00 pm

10 Jokes Only Engineers Will Understand. Who Says Engineers Don’t Have A Sense Of Humor?

1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

3. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

4. What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

5. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

6. Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

7. Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting coefficient of friction. Interrupting coefficient of fri.... mmmuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (μ)

8. Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

9. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

10. A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

Obelix and Dogmatix · Post by **Obelix and Dogmatix** » Tue Sep 09, 2014 3:17 pm

4. What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Luckily my field of employment is closer to the mechanical than the civil side :evil:

Racing snake · Post by **Racing snake** » Tue Sep 09, 2014 4:16 pm

Neil, I assume none of your friends are engineers.

Obelix and Dogmatix · Post by **Obelix and Dogmatix** » Tue Sep 09, 2014 4:21 pm

Racing snake wrote:Neil, I assume none of your friends are engineers.

And those that are, will agree with what he said!!

ChrisF · Post by **ChrisF** » Tue Sep 09, 2014 5:49 pm

thought this was a JOKE thread .... what are the engineering FACTS doing here ....

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Tue Sep 09, 2014 7:56 pm

Mylux · Post by **Mylux** » Tue Sep 09, 2014 8:30 pm

So true!

Post by **CasKru** » Tue Sep 09, 2014 8:34 pm

Jaans · Post by **Jaans** » Tue Sep 09, 2014 8:36 pm

Obelix and Dogmatix wrote:
Racing snake wrote:Neil, I assume none of your friends are engineers.
And those that are, will agree with what he said!!

+1

Obelix and Dogmatix · Wed Sep 10, 2014 12:34 pm

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband:
"I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's up with you??

4. What now? Did you crash the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean?

6. What the f*** did you do now?

7. ?!?

8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she??

Post by **Pumba** » Wed Sep 10, 2014 1:27 pm

Scary

KOBUSL · Post by **KOBUSL** » Wed Sep 10, 2014 1:42 pm

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Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Wed Sep 10, 2014 5:50 pm

Someone out there
must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Wed Sep 10, 2014 8:29 pm

Very good.

Cleaner · Post by **Cleaner** » Thu Sep 11, 2014 10:42 am

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=50 ... =2&theater" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Post by **Mud Dog** » Thu Sep 11, 2014 1:36 pm

Love it!!

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Thu Sep 11, 2014 8:01 pm

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Thu Sep 11, 2014 10:28 pm

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Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Fri Sep 12, 2014 4:39 pm

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Fri Sep 12, 2014 7:50 pm

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Sat Sep 13, 2014 12:01 am

Dis seker op n Ford

Post by **Mud Dog** » Sat Sep 13, 2014 8:22 am

Skilful little riders .........

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Post by **Mud Dog** » Sat Sep 13, 2014 8:26 am

A farmer named Van was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Limpopo when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a n Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer,
'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

Van looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Van

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Van says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Member of Parliament for the ANC Party', says Van.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required!, answered the farmer. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . Now give me back my dog!'

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Sat Sep 13, 2014 10:47 am

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks. "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the damn dog!"

Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Sat Sep 13, 2014 1:10 pm

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to me wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I am leaving forever!

"Ah, now, calm down, calm down, Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation... she never got your email."

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Sat Sep 13, 2014 2:10 pm

Post by **Family_Dog** » Sat Sep 13, 2014 7:42 pm

THE PIPER

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because theflow

that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of
life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a
funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He
had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's
cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a
typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers
and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized
to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I
played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept,
I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes
and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was
full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I
never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic
tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

ChrisF · Post by **ChrisF** » Sun Sep 14, 2014 10:05 am

Men are NEVER lost, they just enjoy a scenic drive ... often ....

grobbepj · Post by **grobbepj** » Sun Sep 14, 2014 11:57 am

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Froll · Post by **Froll** » Sun Sep 14, 2014 5:27 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Mon Sep 15, 2014 12:02 am

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Venus · Post by **Venus** » Mon Sep 15, 2014 8:33 am

Venus · Post by **Venus** » Mon Sep 15, 2014 8:34 am

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Mon Sep 15, 2014 1:53 pm

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Thunder02 · Post by **Thunder02** » Mon Sep 15, 2014 2:23 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Mon Sep 15, 2014 4:49 pm

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Froll · Post by **Froll** » Mon Sep 15, 2014 9:42 pm

Obelix and Dogmatix · Post by **Obelix and Dogmatix** » Tue Sep 16, 2014 7:56 am

Russ and Sam, two friends, very old and frail, met in the park every day to
feed the birds, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't ....show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam
didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened
to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one
day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! -- there sat Russ! Sam
was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, "For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?"
Russ replied, "I was in jail."
"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Russ said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the
coffee shop where I sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I
was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'."
"The damn judge gave me 30 days for lying under oath."

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Tue Sep 16, 2014 9:21 pm

Thabogrobler · Post by **Thabogrobler** » Wed Sep 17, 2014 12:07 am

Amazon product review: http://www.tickld.com/x/the-best-amazon ... -hilarious" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Samurai · Post by **Samurai** » Wed Sep 17, 2014 2:00 pm

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Post by **Mud Dog** » Wed Sep 17, 2014 2:10 pm

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

Why is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway...

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Samurai · Post by **Samurai** » Wed Sep 17, 2014 2:17 pm

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Wed Sep 17, 2014 3:41 pm

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Wed Sep 17, 2014 7:28 pm