How to give a cat a pill

[Harold]

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL :
1. Pick up the cat, and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of
the cat's mouth, and gently apply pressure to the cheeks whilst holding
the pill in the right hand. As you gradually ease the cat's mouth open in
this fashion, pop the pill into it's mouth and allow the cat to close
mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle the cat in
left arm again, and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from under the bed in the main bedroom, and throw away the
soggy pill. Ignore pain from scratches on the back of your hand.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and thrust pill to the back of
it's mouth with right forefinger. Hold cat's mouth shut for count of
ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse in from garden to assist. Ask her to bring gardening gloves as well.
This will not only protect against more scratches, but will also prevent the blood
from existing scratches splashing onto the floor, clothes and furniture.
6. Kneel on floor with cat firmly wedged between the knees. Hold front and
rear paws. Ignore growls emitted from cat. Get spouse to hold cat's
head firmly with one hand, while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop
pill down ruler, and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make a
mental note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from floor, and set aside for gluing
later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw and
force cat's mouth open with pencil. Blow forcefully down straw.
9. Check label on cat's pills to see if they are harmful to humans. Drink
beer to take away the taste and apply band-aid to spouse's forearm.
Remove blood from carpet with soap and water, and discard shredded towel in
waste bin.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door on cat's neck so as to leave
only the head protruding. Force mouth open with spoon, and however much
force it takes. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage to put the cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Pour scotch and drink in one gulp. Apply cold compress to
cheek, and check date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to
cheek to disinfect, and toss back another shot for good measure. Throw
T-shirt in bin next to shredded towel. Ask wife to get another pair of gardening
gloves; wear one over the other.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve f---ing cat from tree across the road,
and apologise profusely to neighbour who crashed into his pool whilst
swerving to avoid the cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little sod's front paws and rear paws tightly to legs of metal
garden chairs with ski-rope. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push
into cat's mouth, followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold cat's head
vertical, and pour two litres of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room
for stitching of your fingers, forearm, face and removal of pill from your
left nostril. Call in at garden center on way home to get new garden
chairs.
15. Arrange with SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell, and find out if
they have any hamsters who need good homes.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
1. Wrap pill in bacon.

[astam]

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary

08h00 - Dog food! My favourite thing!
09h30 - A car ride! My favourite thing!
09h40 - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10h30 - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12h00 - Lunch! My favourite thing!
13h00 - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
15h00 - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
17h00 - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
19h00 - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
20h00 - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
23h00 - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary

Day 983 of my captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
For now...