Joke of the day

KOBUSL · Post by **KOBUSL** » Sun May 26, 2013 3:04 pm

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ink · Post by **ink** » Sun May 26, 2013 3:47 pm

ink · Post by **ink** » Sun May 26, 2013 3:48 pm

Dis nou n regte africa trick

ChrisF · Post by **ChrisF** » Sun May 26, 2013 6:30 pm

o BLOED !!!

daai G-clamp is reg om uit te short !

gavin · Post by **gavin** » Sun May 26, 2013 7:44 pm

Daai is n gevarlike plan wat daai boer het JO!

Post by **Mud Dog** » Mon May 27, 2013 12:18 pm

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen.

Post by **Mud Dog** » Mon May 27, 2013 12:23 pm

Paddy calls the airline to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your friggin plane! "

Thunder02 · Post by **Thunder02** » Mon May 27, 2013 12:25 pm

101 uses for a g-clamp.......

4 runner oldie · Post by **4 runner oldie** » Tue May 28, 2013 6:03 am

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Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Tue May 28, 2013 6:24 pm

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...
________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......
______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........
________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Tue May 28, 2013 10:31 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Wed May 29, 2013 12:54 am

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a
second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try
to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court
Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I
told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle
is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And
how did you do?"

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like
this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your arsehole
before prison.................

4 runner oldie · Post by **4 runner oldie** » Wed May 29, 2013 4:29 am

Think Im In The S..t This Time

Post by **Mud Dog** » Wed May 29, 2013 5:47 am

Hehehe! What was he thinking!

AM Racing · Post by **AM Racing** » Wed May 29, 2013 8:32 pm

4 runner oldie wrote:Think Im In The S..t This Time

http://i250.photobucket.com/albums/gg24 ... 5f6d9e.gif" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Wed May 29, 2013 9:11 pm

Post by **CasKru** » Wed May 29, 2013 9:12 pm

4 runner oldie wrote:Think Im In The S..t This Time

Gone in a flash

4 runner oldie · Post by **4 runner oldie** » Mon Jun 03, 2013 2:05 am

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set \in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You B*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are weewee'd off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.

Post by **Mud Dog** » Mon Jun 03, 2013 7:28 am

STAMPIE · Post by **STAMPIE** » Mon Jun 03, 2013 8:21 am

Gearboxes

jacques kotze · Post by **jacques kotze** » Mon Jun 03, 2013 8:22 am

AM Racing · Post by **AM Racing** » Mon Jun 03, 2013 8:44 am

STAMPIE wrote:Gearboxes

Where's the 10 stages of NOS?!

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Mon Jun 03, 2013 9:51 pm

ThysdJ · Post by **ThysdJ** » Wed Jun 05, 2013 10:48 am

I thought everything keeps GOING RIGHT????

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Thunder02 · Post by **Thunder02** » Wed Jun 05, 2013 12:16 pm

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Wed Jun 05, 2013 2:11 pm

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Wed Jun 05, 2013 6:14 pm

Julle verstaan nie vir Jonas nie, sy Toyota kort wheel alignment!

KOBUSL · Post by **KOBUSL** » Wed Jun 05, 2013 6:20 pm

Verstaan ook nie makeniek taal nie, maar dat iets fout is, dis verseker

WESKUSKLONG · Post by **WESKUSKLONG** » Wed Jun 05, 2013 6:52 pm

A woman was looking at the animals on display in a pet store. A few minutes later a man walked in and said to the shopkeeper, 'I'll take a Construction monkey, please'. The shopkeeper nodded and took a monkey out of a cage. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the man saying, 'That'll be £5,000.'
The man paid and left with the monkey. The surpri
sed woman went to the shopkeeper and said, 'That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?'
The shopkeeper answered, 'Ah, that's a Construction Rigging Monkey. He can drive trucks, set form-work, erect scaffolding & steel and run pipe. All with no back talk or complaints. He's well worth the money.'
The woman then spotted a monkey in another cage. ‘That one's even more expensive! £10,000! What does it do?' 'Oh, that one' replied the shopkeeper, 'That's a Project Field Engineer , he can read drawings, answer RFI's, make As-built's and inspect quality. A very useful monkey indeed
'The woman looked around a little longer and found a monkey with a £50,000 price tag. The shocked woman exclaimed, 'This one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world can it do?''
Well,' said the shopkeeper, 'I've never actually seen him do anything except drink beer, piepie everybody off and play with his dick.
But his papers say he's a Safety Officer!!!

Post by **Mud Dog** » Wed Jun 05, 2013 7:10 pm

Some one (or two) liners by Red Skelter. Not sure most of you will remember him (Eric will, I'm sure), but Red was an old generation comedian. (He died at age 64 in 1977). Many of his quips still survive and some of these have already appeared on this forum.

His recipe for a good marriage .... enjoy.

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ....

3.I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8.She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was ' Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

13.The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".

Post by **Mud Dog** » Wed Jun 05, 2013 7:12 pm

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retire to the bar at the end of the day.
Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouts to the barman: "In Australia , we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the king of them all - gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented beer. Give me un Helles, ze REAL King of beers."

Jan, chief executive of Grolsch, follows by stating that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of foam on top.

Norman, chairman of SAB, is next: "Barman, give me a diet Coke with ice and lemon please."

The other four stare at him in stunned silence, then Bruce asks: "Aren't you going to have a Castle, Norm?"

Norman replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, then neither am I."

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Wed Jun 05, 2013 7:19 pm

Niel · Post by **Niel** » Wed Jun 05, 2013 9:21 pm

I just had to

truckin · Post by **truckin** » Thu Jun 06, 2013 11:11 pm

... and i had to walk the 6 miles barefoot too cause the landy broke down so often my parents couldn't afford to buy me school shoes...

Huismoeles · Post by **Huismoeles** » Fri Jun 07, 2013 2:50 am

Post by **Mud Dog** » Fri Jun 07, 2013 6:57 am

Worst nightmare .......

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Post by **CasKru** » Fri Jun 07, 2013 7:17 am

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Fri Jun 07, 2013 9:45 am

Thunder02 · Post by **Thunder02** » Fri Jun 07, 2013 10:00 am

,i would also run for the hills

WESKUSKLONG · Post by **WESKUSKLONG** » Fri Jun 07, 2013 10:58 am

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Sat Jun 08, 2013 4:56 pm

....

Mylux · Post by **Mylux** » Sat Jun 08, 2013 6:01 pm

Thunder02 · Post by **Thunder02** » Sat Jun 08, 2013 7:06 pm

4 runner oldie · Post by **4 runner oldie** » Sun Jun 09, 2013 1:25 am

Engineers report

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4 runner oldie · Post by **4 runner oldie** » Sun Jun 09, 2013 11:26 am

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Sun Jun 09, 2013 12:13 pm

Thunder02 · Post by **Thunder02** » Sun Jun 09, 2013 12:44 pm

Very good guys

ThysdJ · Post by **ThysdJ** » Mon Jun 10, 2013 10:08 am

Modern technology...

http://dotsub.com/view/6c5d7514-5656-47 ... dd4e2f6509" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Post by **Mud Dog** » Mon Jun 10, 2013 10:47 am

Aye, Oi c'na see how thaat woood be a prawblem!

4 runner oldie · Post by **4 runner oldie** » Mon Jun 10, 2013 11:55 am

HennieO · Post by **HennieO** » Mon Jun 10, 2013 12:18 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Mon Jun 10, 2013 5:42 pm

Not even sure that this should be in the humour section, but you have to really be a special kind of stupid to go fishing with a
hand grenade and drop it right next to the boat. Especially if it only has a 3 second fuse

That duck is stuffed! The starboard pontoon must be shredded, you can see that it has collapsed. The rigid hull has probably got a good few holes in it as well. Interesting is the way the stainless ski-bar flexes with the whip-lash.

This really doesn't get old.
I could watch it for hours.

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Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Mon Jun 10, 2013 9:21 pm

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Froll · Post by **Froll** » Mon Jun 10, 2013 9:31 pm

Post by **CasKru** » Tue Jun 11, 2013 6:40 am

Mud Dog wrote:Not even sure that this should be in the humour section, but you have to really be a special kind of stupid to go fishing with a
hand grenade and drop it right next to the boat. Especially if it only has a 3 second fuse

That duck is stuffed! The starboard pontoon must be shredded, you can see that it has collapsed. The rigid hull has probably got a good few holes in it as well. Interesting is the way the stainless ski-bar flexes with the whip-lash.

This really doesn't get old.
I could watch it for hours.

redneck fishing.gif

Was a military or special forces exercise. If you see the video (and not the animation) you will here an announcer count down

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Tue Jun 11, 2013 8:48 am

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Tal · Post by **Tal** » Tue Jun 11, 2013 10:36 am

phpBB [video]

View Original

Lanklaas so gelag!!!!

Thunder02 · Post by **Thunder02** » Tue Jun 11, 2013 12:15 pm

See now Andy you've started the red neck jokes.

If you think loading the dishwasher is getting your wife drunk,YOU ARE A REDNECK?

Thunder02 · Post by **Thunder02** » Tue Jun 11, 2013 12:24 pm

Some more,only Africa

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Ali3n · Post by **Ali3n** » Tue Jun 11, 2013 3:31 pm

During a robbery in Guangzhou, China, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you."

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.

When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: "Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

This is called "Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do!

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): "Big brother, let's count how much we got."

The older robber rebutted and said: "You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

This is called "Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him: "Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.

This is called "Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!

The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month."

This is called "Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job.

The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million. The robbers were very angry and complained: "We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.

This is called "Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks!

So who are the real robbers here?