Joke of the day

Post by **Mud Dog** » Tue Jun 17, 2014 9:20 pm

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Samurai · Post by **Samurai** » Thu Jun 19, 2014 8:38 am

grobbepj · Post by **grobbepj** » Thu Jun 19, 2014 9:18 pm

: ImageUploadedByTapatalk1403205488.470620.jpg (87.67 KiB) Viewed 8507 times

Mylux · Post by **Mylux** » Fri Jun 20, 2014 8:03 am

Eishkom!

Thunder02 · Post by **Thunder02** » Fri Jun 20, 2014 8:08 am

Great one

Mylux · Post by **Mylux** » Fri Jun 20, 2014 8:21 am

Samurai · Post by **Samurai** » Fri Jun 20, 2014 11:17 am

PLEASE HELP WITH SARS!!!

I finally received my tax return for 2013 back from the SARS.
It puzzles me!
They are questioning the number of dependents I claimed?
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
I replied:
· 12 million unemployed people;
· 4 million illegal immigrants;
· 1,5 million drug dealers;
· nearly a million people in overcrowded prisons;
· 234 members of Parliament
· and a President with 6 wives…

SARS suggest that this is NOT correct?

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?

I’m really becoming forgetful in my old age...

Hilux 1 · Post by **Hilux 1** » Fri Jun 20, 2014 1:01 pm

Post by **george** » Fri Jun 20, 2014 1:05 pm

and a President with 6 wives…

You left out his 20 odd kids

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Fri Jun 20, 2014 1:07 pm

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=40 ... =2&theater" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Thunder02 · Post by **Thunder02** » Fri Jun 20, 2014 1:08 pm

george wrote:
and a President with 6 wives…
You left out his 20 odd kids

Don't forget the Grand Children

Samurai · Post by **Samurai** » Fri Jun 20, 2014 1:20 pm

Hoppy wrote:https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=40 ... =2&theater

Shame, it's quite funny, but I think he could've hurt himself quite badly.

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Fri Jun 20, 2014 7:57 pm

grobbepj · Post by **grobbepj** » Sat Jun 21, 2014 7:46 am

Samurai · Post by **Samurai** » Sat Jun 21, 2014 8:19 am

Post by **Mud Dog** » Sat Jun 21, 2014 10:26 am

Hoppy wrote:https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=40 ... =2&theater

I've actually seen this happen, but with a load of bricks ... not a pretty result

. Some barrows don't have a brace between the legs (like the one in the vid), so if it goes down on a narrow ramp, like that single scaffold board, it goes right down to the bucket.

Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Sat Jun 21, 2014 11:32 am

Manne....
.....as jy op 'n girl afkom wat hot, sexy, lojaal, nie materialisties, en finansieel onafhanklik is. En sy kan haar ding in die kombuis regdoen. En as jy sê spring dan vra sy hoe hoog. En sy glo jy is die enigste handsome ou op aarde. En sy kan die Stormers se gebrek aan 'n game-plan aan jou vrinne uitlê. En sy weet wat om te doen as jy sê, "nou gaan ons braai"!

En sy was jou bakkie sonder dat jy vra. En sy luister na elke woord wat jy sê. En sy val jou nooit in die rede nie.

.....dan moet jy weet die dagga wat jy rook is Top Kwaliteit!!!

grobbepj · Post by **grobbepj** » Sat Jun 21, 2014 12:17 pm

Bushwacker wrote:Manne....
.....as jy op 'n girl afkom wat hot, sexy, lojaal, nie materialisties, en finansieel onafhanklik is. En sy kan haar ding in die kombuis regdoen. En as jy sê spring dan vra sy hoe hoog. En sy glo jy is die enigste handsome ou op aarde. En sy kan die Stormers se gebrek aan 'n game-plan aan jou vrinne uitlê. En sy weet wat om te doen as jy sê, "nou gaan ons braai"!

En sy was jou bakkie sonder dat jy vra. En sy luister na elke woord wat jy sê. En sy val jou nooit in die rede nie.

.....dan moet jy weet die dagga wat jy rook is Top Kwaliteit!!!

Klink omtrent of iemand di "groot trek" gevat het...

ChrisF · Post by **ChrisF** » Sat Jun 21, 2014 4:06 pm

Samurai wrote:PLEASE HELP WITH SARS!!!

I finally received my tax return for 2013 back from the SARS.
It puzzles me!
They are questioning the number of dependents I claimed?
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
I replied:
· 12 million unemployed people;
· 4 million illegal immigrants;
· 1,5 million drug dealers;
· nearly a million people in overcrowded prisons;
· 234 members of Parliament
· and a President with 6 wives…

SARS suggest that this is NOT correct?

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?

I’m really becoming forgetful in my old age...

nkandla and a new soeloe palace maybe ?

Post by **Mud Dog** » Sat Jun 21, 2014 8:46 pm

Scientists at CERN in Geneva have announced the discovery of the HEAVIEST element yet known to science AND . . . . . it was discovered in South Africa!

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The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant-deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is absolutely inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes in contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction which normally takes less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. If at all.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact,Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration (which is often). This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as little energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other by-products are produced.

Thunder02 · Post by **Thunder02** » Sat Jun 21, 2014 8:57 pm

Very good

Post by **Baasvark** » Sat Jun 21, 2014 9:07 pm

Brilliant! And most accurate.
The kind of science I prefer.

Sent from my SM-N900 using Tapatalk

Samurai · Post by **Samurai** » Tue Jun 24, 2014 12:23 pm

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Froll · Post by **Froll** » Tue Jun 24, 2014 8:35 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Tue Jun 24, 2014 10:48 pm

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bunny wipe.jpg: (48.67 KiB) Downloaded 238 times

Post by **CasKru** » Wed Jun 25, 2014 9:28 am

Gat af skrik... dit is hoe dit lyk

Bosfebok · Post by **Bosfebok** » Wed Jun 25, 2014 1:06 pm

[quote="Mud Dog"][/quote]

Bosfebok · Post by **Bosfebok** » Wed Jun 25, 2014 1:09 pm

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HennieO · Post by **HennieO** » Wed Jun 25, 2014 2:53 pm

Old school coffee-shop

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grobbepj · Post by **grobbepj** » Wed Jun 25, 2014 8:41 pm

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Froll · Post by **Froll** » Wed Jun 25, 2014 9:50 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Wed Jun 25, 2014 11:40 pm

African dictionary!!!
Defeat is de tings u put in de tekkies
Divorse is de ting u eat wif de pap
Defence is de ting dat u put round de farm
Destroy is de ting de cow eat
Deliver is next 2 de kidney
Deploy is on de face of de old lady
Descent make de girl smell good
Delaaf is de ting I hope u do when u read dis ting!

Post by **CasKru** » Thu Jun 26, 2014 2:18 pm

Bleikbaar is daar nou pille vir domgeit...

Image Link Broken

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Thu Jun 26, 2014 3:07 pm

Ek het nie geweet daar is nog oor op die rakke nie, ek dog die regering het die hele batch gekoop

Thunder02 · Post by **Thunder02** » Thu Jun 26, 2014 3:29 pm

In Brakpan is die karre so warm, as jy die "choke" uittrek dan "spin" die spaarwiel!

Brakpanners se huise lyk almal nes hul karre - vensters is getint en fondasie gedrop.

As 'n Brakpanner verby die dam loop gooi die eende vir hom brood....

Brakpan Tops het nou 'n Spar gekry.

Hoe sit jy n kind van Brakpan op n dieët? Jy vee sy neusie gereeld af...

Hoekom drink Brakpanners so baie as hulle na 'n braai toe gaan?
Sodat hulle kinders nie kan ruik hulle het vleis ge-eët as hulle by die huis kom nie!

In Brakpan smeer die ma's hulle kinders vaseline om die mond sodat die bure ook kan sien dat hulle KFC kan bekostig

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Thu Jun 26, 2014 4:21 pm

Brakpan is amper soos n SFA;

As jy met my SFA in die somer by die duine aankom dan ry jy met die vensters toe sodat die mense dink jy het aircon

As jy na n lang trip uit n SFA klim, loop jy gebukkend na die regter voorwiel toe en maak of jy die hubs indraai sodat hulle nie kan sien jy probeer jou rug reguit kry

As jy n speedfine met n 4Y kry, dan plak jy hom in die agter ruit

As jy by die petrol pomp stop maak jy hom net half vol en smile, dan wag jy tot die ander winkel toe gaan voor jy hom vol maak.

As n meeting 8H00 begin, dan se jy vir almal dit begin 9H00 sodat jy nie laaste daar aankom nie

KOBUSL · Post by **KOBUSL** » Thu Jun 26, 2014 4:57 pm

Allan......

The Legend · Post by **The Legend** » Thu Jun 26, 2014 6:33 pm

Hoppy wrote:Brakpan is amper soos n SFA;

As jy met my SFA in die somer by die duine aankom dan ry jy met die vensters toe sodat die mense dink jy het aircon

As jy na n lang trip uit n SFA klim, loop jy gebukkend na die regter voorwiel toe en maak of jy die hubs indraai sodat hulle nie kan sien jy probeer jou rug reguit kry

As jy n speedfine met n 4Y kry, dan plak jy hom in die agter ruit

As jy by die petrol pomp stop maak jy hom net half vol en smile, dan wag jy tot die ander winkel toe gaan voor jy hom vol maak.

As n meeting 8H00 begin, dan se jy vir almal dit begin 9H00 sodat jy nie laaste daar aankom nie

Allan,het jy iets gerook-jy is weer op jou stukke vandag

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Thu Jun 26, 2014 7:24 pm

WESKUSKLONG · Post by **WESKUSKLONG** » Thu Jun 26, 2014 8:28 pm

Weet julle hoekom n man se bloed druk val, sy hormone op loop gaan en sy hart n slag of twee mis as hy n meisie in n stywe leer broek met n eina Klein leer toppie sien?
Sy ruik soos n nuwe Bakkie.

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Thu Jun 26, 2014 10:15 pm

Hoe weet n man as hy regtig oud raak? "As hy n mooi meisie sien en sy pacemaker maak die garagedeur oop"

ChrisF · Post by **ChrisF** » Fri Jun 27, 2014 1:58 am

Hoppy wrote:Ek het nie geweet daar is nog oor op die rakke nie, ek dog die regering het die hele batch gekoop

dink hulle batch was dalk bietjie "af" ....

Thunder02 · Post by **Thunder02** » Fri Jun 27, 2014 11:00 am

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!

'Ain't dat grand,!!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, Holdon! We ain't finished yet, !'

The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, Holdon, we aint got done yet, !'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said,

'Murph,you just had yourself another boy,

Murphy said to them doctor, Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,

'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'

She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell you, .....it's a freaking' good ting we didn't use WD-40.

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Fri Jun 27, 2014 9:46 pm

Samurai · Post by **Samurai** » Tue Jul 01, 2014 4:47 pm

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Froll · Post by **Froll** » Tue Jul 01, 2014 8:38 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Tue Jul 01, 2014 9:07 pm

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said: "You are obsessed with eating. You've named your son Stewart but you call him Stew, you even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank.

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the cat, "Whisky".

He then turned to the fourth Mum June: "Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy."

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's prick up Fanny and Willy and go home."

:shifty:

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Tue Jul 01, 2014 9:09 pm

Mud Dog wrote:

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said: "You are obsessed with eating. You've named your son Stewart but you call him Stew, you even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank.

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the cat, "Whisky".

He then turned to the fourth Mum June: "Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy."

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: "Come on, d**k, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's prick up Fanny and Willy and go home."

:shifty:

I see what you did there

Post by **Mud Dog** » Tue Jul 01, 2014 9:49 pm

GI Jane · Post by **GI Jane** » Thu Jul 03, 2014 1:59 pm

Thought you might enjoy a giggle at our expense again:......

A new sign in the Bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the ATM.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off.

************************* ******
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to ATM machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7.Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN ..

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15 Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to ATM machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.

27. Release Hand Brake.

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Thu Jul 03, 2014 3:06 pm

Toppie4x4 · Post by **Toppie4x4** » Thu Jul 03, 2014 3:24 pm

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Thu Jul 03, 2014 4:43 pm

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Thu Jul 03, 2014 4:45 pm

ChrisF · Post by **ChrisF** » Thu Jul 03, 2014 6:51 pm

GI Jane wrote:Thought you might enjoy a giggle at our expense again:......

A new sign in the Bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the ATM.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off.

************************* ******
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to ATM machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7.Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN ..

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15 Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to ATM machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.

27. Release Hand Brake.

Dankie auntie Val

Vandag nou regtig n MOEILIKE dag gehad .... oppad huis toe is daar een hengse tou karre by die robot, daai tiepe ry waar jy so paar keer die lig sien oorslaan voor jy uiteindelik jou beurt sien aankom.

Lig slaan oor na groen, die eerste 7 karre RY. Voor my is n vrou .... voor haar is n MAN .... en MENEER is so besig met sy foon/pad/fablet dat hy net STAAN ...

en die dame is net te ordentlik om hom "wakker" te maak .... toe gebruik ek maar my toeter ....

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Fri Jul 04, 2014 3:17 pm

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Fri Jul 04, 2014 8:34 pm

Samurai · Post by **Samurai** » Tue Jul 08, 2014 5:32 am

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Tue Jul 08, 2014 9:47 am

Obelix and Dogmatix · Tue Jul 08, 2014 11:06 am

Samurai wrote:

depending on the kid it might just be easier to leave him/her there and only remove just before ironing!!