Joke of the day

Post by **Mud Dog** » Fri Jul 10, 2015 1:16 am

The European Economic Community has decided to print all future Euro banknotes on Greece-proof paper!

Obelix and Dogmatix · Post by **Obelix and Dogmatix** » Fri Jul 10, 2015 8:25 am

Mud Dog you missed these ones

Syria has appealed for international assistance today, after a boatload of 500 Greeks arrived seeking a better life.

What are the first three letters of the Greek alphabet?
I.O.U.

I'm investing in a new currency...the George Foreman Euro. Same as the other Euro, but no Greece.

Alex Tsipras has said that Greece will "Bounce Back".
Just like it's cheques.

My son wanted to know what it was like to live in Greece, so I stopped his pocket money.

ChrisF · Post by **ChrisF** » Fri Jul 10, 2015 9:05 am

Obelix and Dogmatix wrote:Mud Dog you missed these ones

Syria has appealed for international assistance today, after a boatload of 500 Greeks arrived seeking a better life.

What are the first three letters of the Greek alphabet?
I.O.U.

I'm investing in a new currency...the George Foreman Euro. Same as the other Euro, but no Greece.

Alex Tsipras has said that Greece will "Bounce Back".
Just like it's cheques.

My son wanted to know what it was like to live in Greece, so I stopped his pocket money.

I believe the American economy is on a slippery slope ...

and the Greek economy is on a greecy slope ....

Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Sun Jul 12, 2015 8:49 am

Ou vale1 · Post by **Ou vale1** » Mon Jul 13, 2015 6:10 am

And check the numberplate ......

4 runner oldie · Post by **4 runner oldie** » Wed Jul 15, 2015 5:30 am

If you think your girlfriend has a good sense of humour,

try leaving a trail of rose petals leading up to a sink full of dirty dishes

Post by **Mud Dog** » Wed Jul 15, 2015 8:53 am

.... if there's a rolling pin or a pan amongst those dishes, you'd better have a head start!

Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Thu Jul 16, 2015 4:44 pm

Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Thu Jul 16, 2015 4:46 pm

Thunder02 · Post by **Thunder02** » Sat Jul 18, 2015 6:52 pm

Mud Dog wrote: .... if there's a rolling pin or a pan amongst those dishes, you'd better have a head start!

A long head start

Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Mon Jul 20, 2015 4:19 pm

Ad from 1964 when WD-40 was first released....
Ad department sure had a delightful way with words!

Post by **Mud Dog** » Thu Aug 06, 2015 8:37 am

Why women have handbags .....

phpBB [video]

View Original

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Thu Aug 06, 2015 8:57 am

Ek het net vanoggend vir my 8 jaarige vertel hoe vuil geld is.

Nou kan ek hom wys

4 runner oldie · Post by **4 runner oldie** » Mon Aug 10, 2015 2:58 pm

Hey guys where is . Add photos etc gone . No joke will delete this post when I can add pictures again Thanks .

oops I cant delete never mind enjoy the jokes .

ChrisF · Post by **ChrisF** » Mon Aug 10, 2015 4:13 pm

Russel look for "Attachments" lower down on the page when making a post - next to "Options", then click on "Add Files"

no joke ...

4 runner oldie · Post by **4 runner oldie** » Mon Aug 10, 2015 4:30 pm

Thanks Chris .

4 runner oldie · Post by **4 runner oldie** » Mon Aug 10, 2015 4:37 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Tue Aug 11, 2015 1:25 am

4 runner oldie · Post by **4 runner oldie** » Wed Aug 12, 2015 6:24 am

Post by **CasKru** » Wed Aug 12, 2015 8:37 am

bwahahahahaha

Post by **Mud Dog** » Wed Aug 12, 2015 9:04 am

That aught to do it!

Obelix and Dogmatix · Post by **Obelix and Dogmatix** » Wed Aug 12, 2015 1:37 pm

and here I am in trouble again sorry Andy

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'

'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

Oupa Stig · Post by **Oupa Stig** » Wed Aug 12, 2015 8:05 pm

Interesting...

Post by **Mud Dog** » Thu Aug 13, 2015 12:52 am

Eish!!

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Thu Aug 13, 2015 8:08 am

(Irish prostitute)

I had to think very carefully what was being advertised Mickey

Obelix and Dogmatix · Thu Aug 13, 2015 11:57 am

ChrisF · Post by **ChrisF** » Thu Aug 13, 2015 12:43 pm

Quentin watching a family go through processes after a funeral .... I think this method would be MUCH better .....

Obelix and Dogmatix · Post by **Obelix and Dogmatix** » Thu Aug 13, 2015 2:01 pm

The ICC have today released updates to the Laws of Backyard Cricket.

A redacted copy is produced below.

LAW 1 – DISMISSAL

1a – First Ball

No player can be dismissed first ball.

The purpose of this law is to ensure your Star Trek loving cousin will at least feel compelled to field for a little bit after you get him out 2nd ball.

1b – Auto Wiki

The ‘auto wiki’ playing conditions vary from ground to ground. As a general rule, auto wiki will extend to a virtual 3rd slip and may / may not include a leg slip.

In situations where a wicket keeper is present, the match referee may still allow for the auto wiki law to be in force.

The auto wiki never drops a catch. The exception is Pakistan, where the auto wiki rarely holds a catch.

1c – One Hand, One Bounce

The Law is only enforceable when the fielder has his other hand occupied with a beverage contained in a glass vessel or sausage in bread.

The One Hand, One Bounce law ensures that batsmen will attempt to keep the ball along the ground, therefore not losing them in the neighbour’s gum tree or down a gutter in the street.

1d – No LBW:

The bowler can never be trusted to form an impartial view on the bona fides of any LBW appeal.

Therefore, an appeal for LBW is automatically declined the moment the appeal begins.

Batsman deliberately blocking the ball with their legs are deemed to be “shit blokes”.

1e – Six And Out

Selfishly hitting the ball over the fence shall lead to the following procedure being enacted:

1) The batsman shall be awarded 6 runs; and

2) The batsman will be deemed Out; and

3) The batsman must recover the ball.

In the event that the ball is unrecoverable, the following procedure shall be enacted:

1) A new ball shall be found; and

2) Should a new ball be found, the batsman who lost the previous ball will no longer be allowed to bat; and

3) Should no new balls be available, all players shall gather in front of the BBQ and remind the batsman what a terrible human being he is.

1f – DRS

Any child under the age of 16 may ask for a review from an adult once per innings. Tears are known to be an effective way to sway the review in your favour.

A person of any age may ask for a review by the host if at a BBQ.

Law not applicable in India

1g – Magic Wickets

A player will be deemed Run Out if the fielding team throws down either wicket with the batsmen out of his ground.

The fielding team shall be the arbiter of whether the batsman has made his ground.

LAW 2 – BOWLING

2a – Standard Over:

The bowler will continue to bowl until either:

1) The batsman asks how many balls left. The bowler is to reply “3” and finish out the over; or

2) Another fielder asks how many balls left. The bowler is to reply “This is my last ball” and finish the over;

2b – Legal Delivery:

Those under 15 years of age may bowl under arm.

The bowling crease shall be loosely marked, either by a crack in the driveway concrete or an imaginary mark on the grass.

The length of the pitch will variable.

LAW 3 – EQUIPMENT

3a – Esky:

The esky shall be placed at either end.

The esky shall be filled with ice and beer.

The esky shall act as the wicket.

Any player spilling the esky will be deemed a “shit bloke”.

3b – Balls:

Only tennis balls shall be allowed.

Taped tennis balls may be used where the pitch is rated dead or you are playing at Damien Fleming’s house.

3c. Dog:

Dogs are to be treated like a loose impediment in golf.

Any ball hitting the dog is “rub of the green”.

Any ball caught by the dog is Out.

Any slobber on the ball is bad luck and must be taken care of by the bowler.

3d – Bat:

Only bats with well worn grips, a fake Allan Border signature and a Gray Nicolls moniker may be used.

Visiting players may bring their own equipment.

Double scoops are prohibited.

LAW 4 – THE SPIRIT OF BACKYARD CRICKET

4a – End of Match:

The game shall be deemed over when:

1) The ladies have brought out the salad and the sausages are ready; or

2) All the balls have been lost; or

3) Steve Smith is batting / Mitch Johnson is bowling on the TV; or

4) Bad light stopped play

4b – Damage to the Garden:

All flower damage shall be deemed to have occurred prior to the start of play.

4e – WAGS:

WAGs shall be permitted to bat by either:

1) invitation; or

2) they have fielded for at least 10 minutes; or

3) they have brought food and / or beer to the players at some stage during the day; or

4) they have been looking after the kids.

WAGs shall bat at their own risk, noting that the bowler may be inebriated.

The auto wiki never drops a catch. The exception is in Pakistan….
CLICK TO TWEET

The ICC has opened submissions for future iterations of the Backyard Cricket Laws.

Those submissions are to be made in the comments section below.

Reproduced at The Roar

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Thu Aug 13, 2015 5:20 pm

4 runner oldie · Post by **4 runner oldie** » Fri Aug 14, 2015 2:19 pm

Star Wars Will Never Be The Same .

11866250_903074229766562_181248497248728234_n.jpg: (32.9 KiB) Not downloaded yet

Post by **Mud Dog** » Fri Aug 14, 2015 2:28 pm

Sir Richard Branson wanted to provide sponsorship for the Springboks, but SARFU declined, saying that you cannot have "Virgin" printed on your jersey if you're getting screwed every weekend.

Post by **Mud Dog** » Fri Aug 14, 2015 2:32 pm

THE VICAR'S FALSE TEETH

Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.

The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains, the first Sunday his gums hurt so badly he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums still hurt, so he could only talk for about 10 minutes. But on the third Sunday, he put his wife’s teeth in by mistake and couldn't shut up...

I KNOW you guys are smiling - sorry ladies!

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Fri Aug 14, 2015 8:29 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Sun Aug 16, 2015 4:29 am

ONLY THE ENGLISH ……………………………………………………………..! ! !

On a train from London to Manchester to watch the cricket, an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much! You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us! Look at me. . .. . I'm ME! .........I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aboriginal blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your Mother, old chap!"

Post by **Baasvark** » Sun Aug 16, 2015 8:31 am

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Sun Aug 16, 2015 10:38 am

4 runner oldie · Post by **4 runner oldie** » Fri Aug 21, 2015 5:37 pm

About time I got back too my favourite pastime . Getting my jokes deleted by the mods .

: Foghorn-Leghorn-Thats-a-joke-son-You-missed-it-Flew-right-by-ya.jpg (32.57 KiB) Viewed 17831 times

4 runner oldie · Post by **4 runner oldie** » Sat Aug 22, 2015 7:30 am

Who remembers Benny Hill .

4 runner oldie · Post by **4 runner oldie** » Sat Aug 22, 2015 7:39 am

Post by **CasKru** » Sat Aug 22, 2015 2:06 pm

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Sat Aug 22, 2015 2:47 pm

Awesome

4 runner oldie · Post by **4 runner oldie** » Sat Aug 22, 2015 3:10 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Sun Aug 23, 2015 8:57 am

(Benny Hill .... yes I remember him .... think he was Eric's nephew / grandson or something like that.

)

Post by **Mud Dog** » Sun Aug 23, 2015 11:43 pm

https://www.facebook.com/manstuff69/vid ... 617333633/

4 runner oldie · Post by **4 runner oldie** » Mon Aug 24, 2015 1:58 am

Post by **CasKru** » Mon Aug 24, 2015 7:49 am

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos, ...." *poof*
He disappeared without a tres.

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Mon Aug 24, 2015 7:58 am

Post by **bduk** » Mon Aug 24, 2015 12:11 pm

Staan eendag en bekyk die polisie en 'n groeterige skare betogers.

Die polisie word aangevoer deur so groot kaptein, lyk soos 'n kelvinator met 'n kop op. Die skare storm die polisie maar die kaptein en sy manne skrik nie, toe die skare so halwe blok van hulle af is bulder die kaptein " WATER CANON'

Die kanonne spuit daai skare so 1 en 'n halwe blok terug, maar hulle is ook nie bang vir water nie en hulle kom weer.

So halwe blok van die polisie af bulder daai dapper kaptein weer " PEPPER SPRAY" en die polise roer hulle met die pepergas weer so 1 en 'n halwe blok terug, maar met rooi ogies en snot neusies storm daai skare weer.

So halwe blok van die polisie af skreeu daai kaptein "M*#R HULLE" Die poliesmanne klim onder daai klomp in met knuppels en slaat die wit waks uit hulle uit, verjaag hulle weer so 1 en 'n half blok terug. Maar daai skare is dapper (of dom) met seer lywe kom hulle weer.

So halwe blok van die polisie af skreeu daai groot kaptein " LOS HULLE" en hulle los die honde. Ek sal jou se daar is nie genoeg rigtings op 'n kompas om te wys in al die rigtings waarheen daai skare hardloop nie. Die hele betoging oor en verby.

Met verwondering en bai nuuskierig staan ek nader aan die kaptein en ek vra hom waarom al die moeite van die water, pepergas en mense slaan, hy ken tog seker uit ondervinding die honde sou werk?

Met so ver trek in sy oe se die kaptein " Jong die honde is baie vol nonsens. Hulle sit hulle bekke aan niks wat nie eers gewas, gespice en getenderise is nie"

Warrior · Post by **Warrior** » Mon Aug 24, 2015 2:03 pm

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Mon Aug 24, 2015 4:25 pm

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Mon Aug 24, 2015 7:01 pm

https://video-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hvide ... e=55DB6AB3

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Mon Aug 24, 2015 7:04 pm

het my nou k.k gelag

Obelix and Dogmatix · Post by **Obelix and Dogmatix** » Tue Aug 25, 2015 9:22 am

Tyrone

Because of his stupidity and clumsiness, his teacher, was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone."
One day Tyrone's mama came to school to check on how he was doing.

The teacher told his mama honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had
never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.
The mom was so shocked at the feedback that she withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease.
All the doctors strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.
Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her.

She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died.

The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly.

Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect
his vacuum cleaner.

If you thought Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you voted for ANC.

Warrior · Post by **Warrior** » Tue Aug 25, 2015 10:07 am

I thought Tyrone was the surgeon but for the voting part :

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Tue Aug 25, 2015 10:18 am

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Tue Aug 25, 2015 8:06 pm

Thunder02 · Post by **Thunder02** » Tue Aug 25, 2015 8:27 pm

Got my windows update today, think however this is Eric's and Andy's copies

Thunder02 · Post by **Thunder02** » Tue Aug 25, 2015 8:36 pm

Thabogrobler · Post by **Thabogrobler** » Tue Aug 25, 2015 9:50 pm

Ek ken 'n ou wat verslaaf is aan remvloeistof.

Hy se hy kan enige tyd stop!

Warrior · Post by **Warrior** » Wed Aug 26, 2015 9:46 am

M o e r s e Long range tank daai