Joke of the day

Post by **Mud Dog** » Sat Mar 04, 2017 10:23 am

Don’t think it can’t happen to you.

This is what all of you 70+ year old's have to look forward to:

This is something that happened in an Aged Care Centre. The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central Cafeteria.

One morning, one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my friend went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door. He said that he was running late, and would be down shortly, so she went back to the Dining area.

An hour later, he still hadn't arrived; so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.

She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain, and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him.

A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

Hunter26 · Post by **Hunter26** » Sun Mar 05, 2017 2:47 pm

Hunter26 · Post by **Hunter26** » Sun Mar 05, 2017 2:59 pm

An Englishman,Irishman and Scotsman were all playing golf with their wives. The wives were motioned to tee off first. The englishmans wife bent over to tee off and the wind blew her skirt up revealing a naked bum. The Englishman being disgusted asked his wife why she had no panties on ,to which she replied " you don't give me enough money to buy some", the Englishman puts his hand in his pocket and pulls out R50-00 and tells her to go buy some. Next is the Irish wife,same occurance and he pull out R25-00 and tells her to go buy panties. Lastly the Scotsman wife bends to tee off and the wind reveals her naked bum. The Scotsman highly upset ask " Lassy, wer is yer onder weer",to which the wife says " Jock,yer soch a taight ass with yer money,ya dinny give ma enough to buy eny panties", the Scotsman feeling embarrised,puts his hand in his pocket and pulls out a comb and replies " herr lassy,tidy op yrself"

JamesC · Post by **JamesC** » Thu Apr 20, 2017 8:48 am

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
Sheriff: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sheriff: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sheriff: Colour of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sheriff: Colour of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sheriff: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my Land Cruiser.
Sheriff: What kind of Land Cruiser was it?
Husband: A 2007 pearl white 100 Series GX with 4.5 litre EFI, 165Kw. It has a centre fridge console, front and rear diff locks, rear camera, aluminium FrontRunner roof rack, leather heated seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has an extra 80 litre ProWorks stainless steel fuel tank, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with removable tow-bar, sunroof, double-din DVD player with full navigation, satellite radio, VHF radio, six cup holders, two 5-amp USB ports, and 4 Hella power outlets. Fitted with 285/75/16 Mud Terrain BF Goodrich tires on 6 stud, 8J steel rims. 236 984 km's on the clock the day before yesterday.
At this point, the husband started choking up.
Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we'll find your Cruiser!

Post by **Mud Dog** » Fri Apr 21, 2017 12:13 am

Post by **Mud Dog** » Tue Jun 27, 2017 7:07 pm

Texting ......

From Father:

My Dear Son,
Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life.
My best love and good wishes.

Your Father.

From Son:

Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn’t actually until tomorrow!!

From Father:

I know...

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Tue Jun 27, 2017 8:27 pm

Post by **Baasvark** » Tue Jun 27, 2017 10:15 pm

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Post by **Mud Dog** » Wed Aug 02, 2017 11:38 am

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Post by **Mud Dog** » Fri Aug 04, 2017 12:27 am

What did our patents do to kill boredom before TV and the internet ? .........

I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

Post by **Baasvark** » Fri Aug 04, 2017 12:29 am

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Post by **Mud Dog** » Thu Sep 21, 2017 12:07 am

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Post by **Mud Dog** » Wed Nov 08, 2017 11:47 pm

Italian Funeral

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."

It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood. Silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied, "Get in line."

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Thu Nov 09, 2017 8:56 pm

Hahahaha

Post by **Mud Dog** » Sat Nov 11, 2017 11:40 pm

Thunder02 · Post by **Thunder02** » Sun Nov 12, 2017 3:46 pm

Land Rover

Come on, I know you guys are wetting your selves........

dalkill · Post by **dalkill** » Fri May 18, 2018 3:38 pm

I sometimes feel like this when I'm fishing ....

https://www.facebook.com/nonkez/posts/10155704903672106

Post by **Baasvark** » Fri May 18, 2018 10:04 pm

dalkill wrote:I sometimes feel like this when I'm fishing ....

https://www.facebook.com/nonkez/posts/10155704903672106

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Post by **Mud Dog** » Fri Nov 02, 2018 10:35 am

Time for a little humour again ....

A woman is in a jewellery store looking at a ring with a fairly large diamond. As she leans over to look at it more closely, a little fart slips out.

Hoping that no-one heard, she asks "How much is that one?"

The jeweller responds, "Madam, it you farted just looking at it, you're gonna shit yourself when I tell you the price!".

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Fri Nov 02, 2018 3:31 pm

PaulSA · Post by **PaulSA** » Wed Nov 07, 2018 10:06 am

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart"

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.

Below are 11 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of our children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean.

6. What the hell did you do now?

7. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much money you need.

8. Am I dreaming?

9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

Post by **Mud Dog** » Wed Nov 07, 2018 11:10 am

All legit answers!

Post by **Mud Dog** » Wed Nov 07, 2018 11:22 am

An elderly gent goes for a follow up visit to his doctor.

Dr - " I'm afraid it's bad news, Jim".

Jim - "What is it Doc"?

Dr - " Jim, you have to stop masturbating".

Jim - "Oh my goodness .... why"?

Dr - "Because I'm trying to talk to you here".

Mars · Post by **Mars** » Wed Nov 07, 2018 2:45 pm

Went to a Palm Reader yesterday. She looked at my long lifeline and said that for the next 40 years I am going to suffer terribly. So I asked "and then?" ...... Well then you will get used to it!

PaulSA · Post by **PaulSA** » Thu Nov 08, 2018 10:52 am

Here's some REAL COMPUTER PROBLEMS COMPLAINTS HEARD BY VARIOUS COMPUTER TECHNICIANS. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.

4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2 meant to remove Disk 1 first.

10. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine.

Post by **Mud Dog** » Thu Nov 08, 2018 12:51 pm

ID 10 T errors.

Mars · Post by **Mars** » Thu Nov 08, 2018 3:23 pm

Mud Dog wrote: ↑Thu Nov 08, 2018 12:51 pm ID 10 T errors.

PEBKAC error

Problem Exists Between Keyboard and Chair.

dax021 · Post by **dax021** » Tue Nov 13, 2018 9:54 am

Mud Dog wrote: ↑Wed Nov 07, 2018 11:22 am An elderly gent goes for a follow up visit to his doctor.

Dr - " I'm afraid it's bad news, Jim".

Jim - "What is it Doc"?

Dr - " Jim, you have to stop masturbating".

Jim - "Oh my goodness .... why"?

Dr - "Because I'm trying to talk to you here".

Reminds me of these two blokes leaving the office at 5 pm.

Guy 1: I can't wait to get home and rip my wife's panties off!

Guy 2: Yeah, I know what you mean.

Guy 1: No, I mean they're really hurting

Mars · Post by **Mars** » Tue Nov 13, 2018 2:28 pm

dax021 · Post by **dax021** » Sat Dec 22, 2018 8:38 pm

Becoming a vegan is a big "missed steak"

Did you know that dogs cannot operate an MRI, but catscan

Post by **Family_Dog** » Sat Dec 22, 2018 10:08 pm

-F_D

dax021 · Post by **dax021** » Sat May 11, 2019 1:20 pm

Anagram

ELECTION RESULTS -------------------LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

Post by **Mud Dog** » Sat May 11, 2019 11:48 pm

Yep. Elections are over, now brace for load-shedding .......

dax021 · Post by **dax021** » Sun Apr 26, 2020 8:59 pm

Mate of mine commented on how fat fat I've become, but in my defence, I've got a lot on my plate at the moment.

Post by **Mud Dog** » Sun Apr 26, 2020 11:41 pm

Actually, the longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.

dax021 · Post by **dax021** » Mon Apr 27, 2020 10:46 am

good one, and in my case quite true.

Post by **Mud Dog** » Mon Apr 27, 2020 11:08 am

I wasn't joking .....

Hunter26 · Post by **Hunter26** » Mon Apr 27, 2020 12:57 pm

I have just realized that when I retire one day, I will relive this isolation chapter again.... Time to take up fishing

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dax021 · Post by **dax021** » Tue Apr 27, 2021 8:02 pm

Seeing that it's been exactly one year since anyone posted a joke, I thought I'd refresh the thread. Mods, please don't be too harsh re the language. It's in context.

Feeling bollie.jpg

dax021 · Post by **dax021** » Tue Apr 27, 2021 8:06 pm

Sorry, I tried. Not accepted

dax021 · Post by **dax021** » Tue Apr 27, 2021 8:09 pm

So, let me type it out using a less "offensive" word.

"I felt crap this morning...........I promised myself never to buy cheap toilet paper again"

Post by **Mud Dog** » Wed Apr 28, 2021 10:43 am

charliedave · Post by **charliedave** » Tue Jan 11, 2022 11:37 pm

dax021 · Post by **dax021** » Tue Jan 24, 2023 7:47 pm

Seeing as the forum has been very quiet for a while, I thought it about time to post some humour

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dax021 · Post by **dax021** » Thu Mar 23, 2023 6:51 pm

Post by **Family_Dog** » Thu Mar 23, 2023 8:55 pm

Indeed, why not?

-F_D

dax021 · Post by **dax021** » Thu Mar 23, 2023 9:24 pm

Good cause, now to get Malema on board

dax021 · Post by **dax021** » Sat Sep 30, 2023 11:04 am

Been a long time since anyone posted some humour