JUST FOR THE JOKE 2009

Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 9:18 am

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman

who did not whine, nag, or complain...

But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

The End

Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 9:24 am

Bumper Stickers

· My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her…or something like that.

· Keep honking while I reload.

· If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

· Bad Cop! No Donut!

· Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

· It's lonely at the top, but you eat better

· I love cats … they taste just like chicken.

· I get enough exercise just pushing my luck

· Sorry, I don't date outside my species

· Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

· Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

· As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

· Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

· Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

· Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.

· I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car …

· Tow-ers will be violated.

· Montana - At least our cows are sane!

· The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

· I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

· Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!

· It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

· When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

· Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

· Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

· Wink, I'll do the rest!

· I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

· When there's a will, I want to be in it!

· Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

· If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

· Diarrhea is inherited. It runs in your jeans!

· Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

· My karma ran over my dogma.

· Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!

· Forget about World Peace…..Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

· Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

· Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

· We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

· Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

· He who laughs last thinks slowest.

· Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

· Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

· Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

· Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

· Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

· Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. i souport publik edekasion.

· We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

· Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

· There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

· Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

· Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

· Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'… till you can find a rock.

2.8 d/cab SFA · Post by **2.8 d/cab SFA** » Thu Jan 15, 2009 3:58 pm

one day, Jimmy was walking down Voortrekker Road when he checked his
china, Kallie, driving a brand new Hilux.

Kallie pulled up to him with a wide grin. He tunes Kallie: 'Jislaaik
Kallie, where'd you get that bakkie? Looks lekker man!'

'Sannie gave it to me' Kallie charfs.

'She gave it to you! I knew she kind of smaaked you, but a new
Hilux???'

'Well, Jimmy, let me charf you what happened: We were driving out on
the gravel road, in the middle of nowhere. Sannie pulled off the road,
put
the bakkie in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the bushes. She parked the
bakkie, jumped out, threw off all her clothes and schemes: 'Kallie, take
whatever you want'. I swear, one time, broer! So I took the bakkie'...

'Kallie, you're blerrie clever, man! Those clothes would never have
Fitted you!!!

Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Thu Jan 15, 2009 6:12 pm

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East . See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other. And I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, " Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a SIGH, rolled his eyes and said, "Let me see the friggin map again."

Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Tue Jan 20, 2009 4:18 pm

Most successful Pick-Up line ever

Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Tue Jan 20, 2009 4:32 pm

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another petrol station loo because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding Dress £5000. Wedding Suit rental - £100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how bad your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

Post by **Mud Dog** » Wed Jan 21, 2009 4:22 am

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

Post by **Mud Dog** » Wed Jan 21, 2009 4:26 am

A pedestrian whilst crossing the road is struck by an unobservant driver and knocked unconcious. Although not seriously injured, he remains that way till the paramedics arrive.

As one of the paramedics revives him he begins to struggle violently, whereupon he has to be calmed with a tranquiliser injection.

When asked why he was struggling he replied, "I remember being struck, and when I woke I found myself lying on the hot tar staring up at a 'Shell' neon sign, .... but someone was standing in front of the 'S' "

Post by **Mud Dog** » Wed Jan 21, 2009 4:31 am

Fruit Loops

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year
schoolchildren, using a bowl of Fruit Loops, the cereal with the hole in
it.

He gave all the children the same kind of loop, one at a time, and asked
them to identify them by colour and flavour. The children began to say:

'Red............cherry,' '

Yellow.........lemon,'

'Green..........lime,

'Orange ........orange.'

Finally the professor gave them all 'honey' loops.

After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify
the taste.

'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:

'Oh My !!!! They're a-holes !!'

Post by **Mud Dog** » Wed Jan 21, 2009 4:34 am

A Department of Water Resources representative, Philemon, stops at a Free State farm and talks with old farmer Koos.
He tells Koos, "I need to inspect your farm for the water allocation".
Koos says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there".
Philemon says, "Meneer, I have the full authority of the Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

Koos nods politely and goes about his chores. Shortly, thereafter Koos hears loud screams and spies Philemon running for his life followed close behind by the farmer's bull, gaining with every step.

Philemon is clearly terrified, and is screaming for help, so the old farmer throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your card! Show him your card!"

Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Thu Jan 22, 2009 4:21 pm

The new presidential car of the USA

Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Thu Jan 22, 2009 5:08 pm

Did you hear how the blind circumcisionist lost his job?

He got the sack...

Post by **Mud Dog** » Fri Jan 23, 2009 8:19 pm

Post by **Family_Dog** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 9:21 am

I become confused when I hear these terms with reference to the word 'service'.

Internal Revenue 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
DSTV TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

So now you are as enlightened as I am.

-F_D

Post by **Family_Dog** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 11:43 am

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to f@rt.

The music is really loud, so you time your f@rts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember:

You've been listening to your ipod.

-F_D

Post by **Mud Dog** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 1:15 pm

BAM!!! It all came into focus.

Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Wed Feb 11, 2009 4:31 pm

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.

"Two dogs, please," said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Wed Feb 11, 2009 4:34 pm

Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?

Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Wed Feb 11, 2009 4:40 pm

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

BenHur · Post by **BenHur** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 7:20 am

Kaapse padda

ThysdJ · Post by **ThysdJ** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 7:22 am

BenHur wrote:Kaapse padda

Kwaak ek-sê...

Post by **CasKru** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 7:37 am

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Post by **CasKru** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 7:47 am

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Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Mon Feb 16, 2009 9:04 am

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Mon Feb 16, 2009 9:06 am

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Post by **Family_Dog** » Mon Feb 16, 2009 4:34 pm

Ooooohhhh.... you're going to be in so much trouble when Rich sees this! ;)

But I thought it was quite funny!

-F_D

Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Mon Feb 16, 2009 4:43 pm

Family_Dog wrote:Ooooohhhh.... you're going to be in so much trouble when Rich sees this! ;)

But I thought it was quite funny!

-F_D

Hy sal dit nie vang nie

Irishman · Post by **Irishman** » Tue Feb 17, 2009 8:49 am

As an Irishman, I can understand the joke perfectly. He just happened to find a parking place in the nick of time :|
Ron.

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Tue Feb 17, 2009 9:29 am

Eendag lank lank gelede in n klein dorpie ver hiervandaan was daar n Landrover wat nie k&k gegee het nie, maar dit was lank gelede en dit was net vir daai een dag!

Niel · Post by **Niel** » Tue Feb 17, 2009 3:00 pm

Mr_B · Post by **Mr_B** » Tue Feb 17, 2009 4:39 pm

Hoppy wrote:Eendag lank lank gelede in n klein dorpie ver hiervandaan was daar n Landrover wat nie k&k gegee het nie, maar dit was lank gelede en dit was net vir daai een dag!

Hey hey hey I smelt a rat Hops... Just because it's AFRIKAANS doesn't mean ek kan dit nie verstaan nie... copycat... ok you a good copycat...

Weereens dankie vir die lekker pomp.. Bosch pomp!

B

BenHur · Post by **BenHur** » Tue Feb 17, 2009 11:24 pm

It must be spelled Weereens Soutie!!

Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Thu Feb 19, 2009 8:22 am

A preacher was addressing a congregation.
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the
river". And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the wine in
the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river". And the congregation
cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all and
throw it in the river".
Again the congregation cried,"Amen!"
The preacher sat down. The deacon then stood up & said: "For our closing

hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing, 'We shall drink

from that river'.

The congregation SCREAMED "HALLELUJAH !!!"

Post by **JohanM** » Thu Feb 19, 2009 9:10 am

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Thu Feb 19, 2009 1:06 pm

Gammat staan en visvang, hy trap op iets, haal n ketel uit die sand en vryf dit skoon: skielik spring n genie uit en gee hom sy 3 wense, "ek wens ek het n groot visserskuit met Maraai op" en daar staan dit! " ek wens die see word wyn" hy proe en dis ook so, "en jou derde wens" vra die genie, gammat het nou als wat sy hart begeer, maar na paar oomblikke se hy " ek wens ek het n ou plattetjie vir my gatsak so vir just in case!"

Mr_B · Post by **Mr_B** » Thu Feb 19, 2009 1:29 pm

BenHur wrote:It must be spelled Weereens Soutie!!

Bennie, bennie, bennie, again this is going to get edited I know...

In proper english:

It must be spelt 'Weereens' Soutie!! 8 )

I are wearing a jean pant!

B

Post by **Mud Dog** » Thu Feb 19, 2009 8:09 pm

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHS

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the freaking difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just freaking beautiful!''

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own freaking business.

Post by **Family_Dog** » Thu Feb 19, 2009 8:19 pm

Mud Dog wrote:FD will probably edit me on the last post, but I reckon this one will get me into hotter water (Perhaps I should reserve it for WINTER) :D

I'm still thinking about it...

-F_D

Post by **Mud Dog** » Thu Feb 19, 2009 8:46 pm

FD, ...Hope you're not a B B supporter

Post by **Family_Dog** » Thu Feb 19, 2009 9:03 pm

Mud Dog wrote:FD, ...Hope you're not a B B supporter

Being a loyal North Westerner (which Province does not even sport a team from any sport, let alone rugby), I am a staunch National Team supporter, be they compiled from BB, Stormers, Cheetahs, Lions, Sharks or whatever, I always cheer for them!

Otherwise, I simply sit on the fence while grinning and bearing the mediocre games that are played on provincial levels :)

Approaching the end of the Super 14, I support whichever SA Team is in hopefully in the finals

Is that a PC reply?

-F_D

Post by **Mud Dog** » Fri Feb 20, 2009 1:10 am

Is that a PC reply?

To quote you further from earlier "I'm still thinkibg about it"

Just kidding, of course it is and I'm sure reflects the views of many rugby fans. Being in a similar situation with no decent provincial team, I tend to do the same, usually rooting for the underdog.

...

I suppose that makres me an occasional B B supporter!

BenHur · Post by **BenHur** » Fri Feb 20, 2009 7:56 am

snipes wrote:
BenHur wrote:It must be spelled Weereens Soutie!!
Bennie, bennie, bennie, again this is going to get edited I know...

In proper english:

It must be spelt 'Weereens' Soutie!! 8 )

I are wearing a jean pant!

B

Britney

'n Spelt is 'n ding wat jou vrou in jou jean pant se pyp steek as sy meet hoeveel korter sy hom moet maak

en ek is nie 'n soutie nie hoor :!: :!:

ThysdJ · Post by **ThysdJ** » Fri Feb 20, 2009 8:49 am

BenHur wrote:'n Spelt is 'n ding wat jou vrou in jou jean pant se pyp steek as sy meet hoeveel korter sy hom moet maak en ek is nie 'n soutie nie hoor :!: :!:

BENJAMIN! Waar het jy leer spel? Speld met 'n D.. Die meervoud van Speld is Spelde, nie Spelte nie...

Post by **CasKru** » Fri Feb 20, 2009 8:58 am

Kaspaas wrote:
BenHur wrote:'n Spelt is 'n ding wat jou vrou in jou jean pant se pyp steek as sy meet hoeveel korter sy hom moet maak en ek is nie 'n soutie nie hoor :!: :!:
BENJAMIN! Waar het jy leer spel? Speld met 'n D.. Die meervoud van Speld is Spelde, nie Spelte nie...

Ja nee Bennie.... is jou spel checker gebreuk?!

BenHur · Post by **BenHur** » Fri Feb 20, 2009 4:42 pm

Ag shoesh man die engelsman sallie van beter weetie

ThysdJ · Post by **ThysdJ** » Fri Feb 20, 2009 5:07 pm

Nee Bennie maar daai Spelt steek my dwars in die Crop ou pel...

BenHur · Post by **BenHur** » Fri Feb 20, 2009 10:50 pm

Kaspaas wrote:Nee Bennie maar daai Spelt steek my dwars in die Crop ou pel...

Jy meen seker dwars in die krop

ThysdJ · Post by **ThysdJ** » Mon Feb 23, 2009 6:48 am

BenHur wrote:Jy meen seker dwars in die krop

Nie krob nie?

BenHur · Post by **BenHur** » Tue Feb 24, 2009 8:01 am

Kaspaas wrote:Nie krob nie?

huhh? :? :?

hentey · Post by **hentey** » Tue Feb 24, 2009 5:04 pm

Thys nou het jy daai Transvaler heel deurmekaar.

Moet se jy is wakker Bennie

ThysdJ · Post by **ThysdJ** » Tue Feb 24, 2009 5:08 pm

hentey wrote:Thys nou het jy daai Transvaler heel deurmekaar.
Moet se jy is wakker Bennie

Vat nie baie nie Hentey, net 'n goedgeplaasde "b"...

BenHur · Post by **BenHur** » Tue Feb 24, 2009 6:05 pm

So gepraat van deurmekaar ek sien julle het die soutie somme heelemal verwiller hier

ThysdJ · Post by **ThysdJ** » Wed Feb 25, 2009 7:22 am

BenHur wrote:So gepraat van deurmekaar ek sien julle het die soutie somme heelemal verwiller hier

Jy't begin daarmee...

Post by **Mud Dog** » Sun Mar 01, 2009 1:44 pm

OK dan, ..... terug na die 'jokes' .......

Obsession therapy.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children.

'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too
shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little
boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Willy from school and go get dinner.'

Post by **Mud Dog** » Sun Mar 01, 2009 2:25 pm

For Bennie, Thuys and all the other spelling fundi's ....

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