The Irish again

[Mud Dog]

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- ------------------ -




Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your freakun plane!"



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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"


"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole freakun bed by the looks of it!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- ---------


Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!


-------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U...S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------


Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------


Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs grinning 5 minutes later while the dog is still barking. His wife asks "What did you do?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"


------------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be gum!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"




------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------



Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London!"

[jacques kotze]

Shame, poor Miles from London, may I never get to be that "old"

[Donkey]

Up early hey Jacques?

[C.R.Gillmans]

Good one the wife sent!

THE BLACK BRA
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend :
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,



(you are going to love this.....)





"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

[Cleaner]

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

Crap, I sit in an open plan office and just snorted coffee out my nose when I read this!!

Now everyone confirmed what they previously thought! I am indeed not doing any work!

[SWARTLUX]

Zorro vat so

[Thunder02]

[Spartan]

Don't think he got any food that night

[Mud Dog]

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

***************************

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

***************************

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

***************************

An elderly woman standing at the ATM asks Paddy if he would help her to check her balance. So he pushed her over.

[Ali3n]

[Thunder02]

[GI Jane]

[Hoppy]

What's so funny, what did Zorro cook?

[bduk]

Hoe om ‘n kat ‘n pil te gee:

1. Plaas jou katjie in die buig van jou arm asof jy 'n klein baba vashou. Sit jou regter wysvinger en duim aan beide kant van sy snoetjie en oefen versigtig druk uit, terwyl jy die pil in die ander hand gereed hou. Sodra jou katjie sy bekkie oopmaak, gooi die pil in en gee die katjie die geleentheid om dit af te sluk.

2. Soek die pil op die vloer en gaan haal die katjie agter die bank uit. Plaas die katjie weer in die ronding van jou arm en herhaal die proses.

3. Gaan haal die kat uit die slaapkamer uit en gooi die nat pil in die drom.

4. Neem 'n nuwe pil uit die dosie, plaas weer die kat in jou arm, terwyl jy beide voorpote stewig vashou. Forseer sy kake oop en druk die pil binne-in sy mond met jou regter wysvinger. Hou die kat se bek vir ten minste 10 tellings toe.

5.Haal die pil uit die visdam met die klein netjie en gaan haal die mal kat bo van die kas af. Roep nou jou maat uit die tuin uit om jou te kom help.

6. Kniel op die vloer en dwing die kat tussen jou knieë vas, neem sy pootjies in 'n baie stewige greep, ignoreer die harde gegrom. Laat jou maat die kat se kop ferm vashou en dwing sy bek oop met 'n liniaal. Gooi die pil via die liniaal in sy bek in en vryf jou kat se keel om sy slukproses aan te moedig.

7. Haal die besimpelde kat van die gordynreling af en neem nog 'n pil uit die dosie uit. Maak 'n aantekening om 'n nuwe liniaal te koop en ook om die gordyne te laat regmaak. Vee die stukke glas en keramiek van die beeldjies en potte op sodat jy dit later kan weggooi.

8. Draai die blasende kat in 'n groot handoek toe en laat jou maat bo-op die kat lê of sit sodat net die kat se kop uitsteek onder jou armholte. Suig die pil met 'n strooitjie op en forseer die blêrrie kat se bek oop. Blaas die pil, deur die strooitjie, in die kat se keel af.

9. Lees die pamflet deur, om te sien of die pille skadeloos vir mense is en drink 'n koue bier om die smaak uit jou mond uit te kry. Ontsmet jou maat se arm, sit salf op die wond en draai 'n verband om. Verwyder die bloedvlekke van die vloer.

10. Gaan haal die ##&# kat uit die buurman se garage, neem nog 'n pilletjie uit die boks en drink nog 'n bier. Sit jou kat in die klerekas sodat net sy kop uitsteek. Forseer sy bek oop en skiet die pil met 'n kettie in sy keel af.

11. Gaan haal die skroewedraaier uit die garage en hang die kasdeur terug op sy skaniere. Soek die whisky bottel, neem 'n groot sluk en ontsmet die krapmerke op jou wange. Maak seker of jou tetanus inspuiting nog geldig is. Gooi jou stukkende trui in die drom en gaan trek 'n ou overall aan.

12. Bel die brandweer om die ##&# kat uit die boom uit te kom haal. Vra jou buurman om verskoning vir die taalgebruik en neem die laaste pil uit die dosie.

13. Tape beide voorvoete van die B.A.S.T.E.R.D. aan mekaar vas met duct tape. Bind hom stewig aan die poot van die eetkamertafel vas met 'n stuk ankertou. Trek jou welding gloves aan, druk die pil in 'n stukkie vleis en kry 'n groot glas vol water. Hou die klein ##&# se kop agteroor, gooi die vleis in, gevolg
deur die hele glas water. Hou sy ##&# bek toe vir 5 minute.

14. Neem die bottel whisky en drink hom leeg. Vra jou maat om jou so gou moontlik by Ongevalle te kry, want jy word al lighoofdig van die bloedverlies. Laat hulle jou vingers en voorarm vaswerk en die laaste pil uit jou oog uit verwyder. Bel onderweg vir Hyperama om 'n nuwe eetkamertafel te bestel.

15. Bel ook die SPCA om te reël dat hulle die gemuteerde klein ##&# van ‘n kat kom haal en stop by die Petshop om te vra of hulle nie dalk klein hamsters het nie.

Hoe om ‘n hond ‘n pil te gee:

1. Draai pil toe in stukkie vleis.
2. Gaan nou buite toe om met jou beste vriend te speel.

[Hoppy]

gelukkig doen ek nie die kat-ding nie

[Tal]

Whahaha!!! Gaan dit vir my vrou stuur, sy wil mos so graag 'n kat he, ek bly vir haar se ons moet tenminste twee kry, anders gaan my twee honde baklei oor kos!

Hehe

[Aquanaut]

[Froll]